


You're Ruining the Moment

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 09:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6698998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean had always seen the world as an ugly place. He killed, he drank, he seduced women. That's who he thought he was...that's the life he thought that he deserved. He'd never known anything else. At least until he saw the article in the newspaper...</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Ruining the Moment

The man tried to open his eyes...but couldn't. He couldn't move his limbs or lift his head. All he could feel was the cold rain penetrate his thin clothing...freezing his skin. He didn't know where he was or how he got there. He thought he heard the distant rumble of thunder before he once again lost consciousness.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean sang along to the music blaring from his car stereo as he waxed his 'baby'. His 1967 Impala. 

"Dude" his brother asked from behind him. "If you are going to blast that...could you at least sing on key?"

"Of course I can Sammy, I just choose not to." he responded...flicking his rag at his brother's leg.

"And why is that again?" Sam asked.

"Because it annoys you when I sing off key." He grinned at Sam and went back to the task at hand. 

Sam looked around at the piles of junk that Bobby tried to pass off as 'Singer Auto Salvage'. This was their home away from home. Dean was in the midst of waxing their true home. At this point they had logged two hundred maybe three hundred thousand miles on that Chevy engine...but Dean knew how to keep her running.

"I did have a reason to come out here", Sam said as he handed Dean a cold beer. Dean wiped the sweat from his brow and took it.

He popped the cap off and had to squint his eyes against the bright sun just to see his baby brother, "and here I thought it was because you couldn't stand another minute away from my dazzling personality and charm." He took a long drink, "but seriously man...thanks. It's hotter than hell out here."

"Now that...I don't believe." Sam said chuckling as he walked back towards Bobby 's house.

Dean turned the music up louder and went back to making his 'baby' shine.

"I don't know how that boy hasn't waxed the paint right off that thing," Bobby told Sam as he came into the house.

"Taking care of that car is probably the one thing that actually relaxes him. You know how he is, Bobby...he plays cool on the outside but is strung so tight on the inside that he sleeps fully clothed with one eye open." Sam said...watching his brother through the kitchen window.

"Now don't you go telling him I said this...but he gets more like John Winchester every day."

Sam laughed and clapped the older man on the shoulder. "Don't worry Bobby...your secret is safe with me."

\--------------------

The rain had stopped and the man was finally able to open his eyes enough to see that he was laying in a field. He was cold...wet...and covered in mud...but those were the least of his problems. He didn't know where he was or how he got there. He didn't even know who he was. Once he was finally able to pull himself up...a headache hit him full force. He groaned and checked the pockets of his suit and trenchcoat for a wallet...an ID..a scrap of paper. Anything that might spark his memory. Nothing. They were all empty. The headache made him dizzy and he fell back into the muddy patch with his eyes closed.

\--------------------

Dean laid back on the couch after a meal of Bobby's 'questionable' stew and cold beer. He threw his arm over his eyes and settled in to listen to Sam and Bobby geek out over tales and lore they found in Bobby's expansive library. The soft heat from the fireplace and rustling of Sam and Bobby unrolling scrolls were familiar and comforting. He was content. As content as he could be. He started to doze off...

"Dean?"

He did his best to ignore Sam...but he knew that Sam wouldn't stop.

"What?" he groaned...his arm still covering his eyes.

"Have you talked to Cas lately?"

Dean sat up and rubbed his face. "No, I have not talked to Cas lately. If I had...you'd know. You either would have seen him or I would have told you. Why?"

"Well," Bobby said, "I've got an entire volume over here that was written in Enochian. Sam and I can translate it...but it would be a hell of a lot easier if your angel boy was here to help."

"Again...I have not talked to Cas. I have not seen Cas. It's not like we are attached at the hip. He's probably off doing...well...whatever it is that angels normally do. Now can I get back to doing nothing?"

Sam and Bobby looked at one another. They knew that Cas was usually close by...but he only showed up when Dean called for him.

"Okay princess...sorry we woke you from your beauty sleep." Bobby said.

Dean laid back down and started dozing off again. It didn't take long until he was softly snoring. 

Sam just smiled at Bobby and shook his head.

Bobby had become a surrogate father to the brothers after John Winchester died. Bobby never had children of his own...but he loved the boys like they were his.

\---------------------

Although the pain was almost unbearable...the man sat up to get his bearings. He vaguely heard the sound of tires rolling over wet asphalt. "A highway...I need to get to the highway" he thought to himself as got to his feet...teetering on the brink of falling backwards. His shoes were suctioned into the mud with every step and he ended up crawling the last few feet before he collapsed on the side of the road. He knew that either somebody would stop and help him...or he'd be hit by a car. He didn't care either way.

\-------------------

By morning...Dean was on edge. Both Sam and Bobby could see it. When he wasn't working a case he didn't know what to do with himself. He was born a hunter...raised a hunter...he knew no other life. He had a hard time staying in one place. Other than Sam and Bobby...he had no other attachments. He'd never had roots. He'd never had real friends. The women had always been nameless and faceless. It's all he'd ever known. Sam had moved away when he was 18 and forged a life of his own for four years. There wasn't a day that went by where Dean didn't regret showing up at Stanford unannounced to ask for his brother's help. Sam finally had what they'd both always wanted...and Dean took that from him. It wasn't Sam's fault that Dean didn't know how to be alone. 

When his father died a 'heroic' death...giving his life for Dean...Dean thought that he should have felt something more than the anger that he still had towards his father...but he didn't. He never mourned the loss of John Winchester...he resented John for leaving him behind...for leaving him alone. Dean knew that his father never really loved him...but he passed down his legacy of fear of loneliness. Dean would never forgive him for that. Not even in death. The only thing that mattered to him was taking care of Sam. Sure...he was careless and impetuous...and he knew it. But nothing came before Sam. 

\--------------------

The man didn't know how long he'd been lying there as cars drove past...time had no value. He finally heard the screech of rusty brakes and braced himself for the inevitable pain of being hit. Instead...he found a middle aged woman standing over his limp body.

"Oh sweetie...what's going on here?"

He tried to speak...but couldn't. He gave her a small shrug as she helped him to sit.

"We need to get you to a hospital."

Her voice was dim and the sound wavered in his ears. He didn't have the strength to lift his head to look at her. All he was capable of was an imperceptible nod. She pulled him to his feet and walked him to the car. 

He was dropped off at an emergency room under the name 'John Doe'

\--------------------

"A wendingo? Really Dean? You know that Garth is in Portland. He could have the case wrapped up before we hit the Washington state line."

Dean was restless. He'd been at Bobby's for too long. "Fine, Sam. You don't have to come. I can take this." He knew that Sam wouldn't stay behind.

"No...you're right. We have it on our radar. We might as well go." Sam usually agreed to go on these simple hunts to appease Dean. He knew that Dean would go without him...they'd been separated before. But Sam also knew that this case would lead to a string of cases once they were on the road...and he couldn't let Dean criss cross the country alone. Dean was the only one who truly believed that he was watching out for Sam...everybody else saw the truth, that Dean needed Sam. Dean was too reckless on his own.

Dean was in a good mood while he got the car ready for them to head out. Sam didn't hear Bobby walk up behind him in the kitchen until he put his hand on Sam's shoulder. They stood silently watching Dean through the window. "Son...one of these days you're going to have to call his bluff and just let him go."

"We both know that I can't do that, Bobby." Sam replied without turning around. 

With bear hugs and promises to return soon...the Winchester boys were gone. Bobby stood on his front steps for awhile...just watching the dust settle where the Impala had been parked. John Winchester had been a damn fine hunter. One of the best. But he never saw what he'd done to those boys. Especially Dean. Finally he just shook his head and went back into the house.

\--------------------

His tongue felt thick and his throat was sore. People in green scrubs or white lab coats kept asking what his name was...what day of the week it was...who was the current president. They gave him concerned looks and would point bright lights at his eyes when he couldn't answer. He still had yet to speak. He drifted in and out of consciousness. Somebody had turned on a television that was mounted in the corner of his room...but he just shut his eyes and ignored it. He was trying to remember what had happened before he woke up in that field...but nothing would come to him. 

\--------------------

The brothers stopped at a small diner in some nameless town in Montana. The Winchesters were well known amongst other hunters...as well as their prey. They had taken on...and won battles that sounded like myths when the stories were told. Nobody expected Sam and Dean Winchester to take on a small case like a wendingo...but when Dean got restless...they hunted. They sipped their coffee in comfortable silence while they waited for their food. Sam took a look around. They'd probably stopped at this same diner a hundred times in a hundred different places. Diner food and cheap motels were their way of life. He asked the waitress for a copy of the local newspaper. He didn't really care about Mr. Higgins prize winning pumpkin...but Sam got restless in his own way. If it wasn't his computer...it was a book. Or in times of desperation...a local newspaper.

"Uh...Dean?"

"Yeah" Dean said, looking at Sam over the rim of his coffee cup as he took a drink.

"How long has it been since you talked to Cas?" 

Dean just rolled his eyes at his brother. "Don't tell me that you lugged that angel babble book along with you."

"No, it's still at Bobby's". That's when Dean noticed that Sam's eyes had grown wide and his hands were shaking as he held the newspaper in front of him.

Dean was growing concerned. They usually called upon Cas when one of them had been badly injured or they were in a situation of cataclysmic proportions. Dean wanted to work a case...but he wasn't in the right frame of mind to work on something demonic or angelic. He just wanted to go out into the woods and take care of business. "Why are you asking me this Sam? What do we need Cas for?"

"Dean...we don't need Cas. Cas needs us." and he turned the newspaper towards his brother. His hair was sticking out everywhere and he was covered in monitors and full of IV's...but that was Cas. Cas had been admitted to a hospital nearby as a John Doe.

Dean was fumbling for his keys next to the car before Sam even realized that he'd gotten up from the table. He smiled an apology at the waitress and dropped cash on the table for the food they never ate. With the newspaper in his hand...he followed Dean out the door. 

Sam didn't know how long it had been since they'd left the diner...maybe 20 minutes...when Dean haphazardly pulled the car into a parking spot and got out. Sam followed him inside and found him in the lobby arguing with the clerk at the admissions desk 

"What do you mean visitation is family only and you need to see my ID? You don't even know who he is...how am I supposed to prove to you that I am family?"

When Dean was upset he spoke in two volumes...loud and louder. When his voiced dropped low...things got ugly...and Sam could see that in his eyes.

"Excuse me..." Sam stuttered...looking for a namebadge. "Excuse me Gloria. What my brother is trying to say is that your 'John 'Doe' is actually our older brother. He went missing a couple of weeks ago and we saw in the paper that he was here. Is there any possibility that we can see him?" He used the patented Sam Winchester puppy dog eyes.

"Well...he's been here for over a week and nobody has called or come by."

"Well now they have." Dean muttered.

"We were traveling from Sioux Falls looking for him when we saw this" Sam said...holding up the newspaper. She looked from Dean's face to Sam's to the picture of Cas...trying to find a family resemblance. Close enough.

"Take the elevator to the second floor. I'll call them and let you know that you are here."

Sam thanked her profusely while Dean stood in front of the elevator...continuously pushing the button.

"Dude" Sam said after the elevator doors closed. "You have got to calm down." 

Dean just ignored him. Dean usually ignored the voice of reason. Before the elevator doors were all of the way open...Dean shot through them and headed for the desk. The nurse could see the question in Dean's eyes. "John Doe?" She asked. Dean just nodded and she pointed down the hall, "room 207" she called to Dean's retreating back. Sam gave her the same apologetic smile that he had given the waitress and followed his brother down the hall.

\--------------------

The man could see a figure out of the corner of his eye. A figure that wasn't wearing the green scrubs or white lab coat that he'd grown accustomed to. He tried to turn his head...but it still hurt. He heard a chair scraping towards his bed and could feel that somebody had sat down. He heard a disembodied voice coming from somewhere else...but he couldn't make out all of the words.

"...Cas...brother...a couple of weeks ago....."

He felt the figure next to him reach out and he recoiled from the touch. Then a soft whisper, "it's okay Cas...it's okay..."

Was that his name? Was he Cas? He closed his eyes and drifted off again.

\--------------------

Sam watched Dean sit down and he went out into the hallway to make a phone call.

"Garth! Hey...it's Sam. Good...good...we're doing good. Oh...you heard about that...yeah things got a little crazy there but we took care of it...oh thanks...the reason I called is that it looks like their might be a wendingo problem up your way and I was wondering if you might want to take care of it. We were on our way out and something came up...oh sure...I'll text you the coordinates...thanks man...you take care too."

His next call was to the closest motel. He knew they weren't going anywhere anytime soon.

\--------------------

"Well I can tell you that he has a lot of deep tissue bruising...three broken ribs...pneumonia...he's severely dehydrated...and we believe that he may have a traumatic brain injury. He isn't responding to most stimuli and he has yet to speak."

"But you've done an MRI?" Sam asked the doctor. They were in the hallway outside of Cas's room. Sam was watching Dean who was watching Cas.

"We've run all of the tests. Everything looks normal and there's no cerebral fluid built up. It's his behavior that is worrisome. Unless we can get him to speak...he won't be going anywhere anytime soon."

Sam thanked the doctor and walked into Cas's hospital room. He stood behind Dean, "anything?" he asked 

"Not yet. He won't look at me. I've been talking to him...but it's like he can't hear me. What did the doc say?"

"Well...bruising...broken ribs...pneumonia...dehydration...and this whole not moving not speaking thing."

"No Sam...he moved. I tried to touch his arm and he moved."

"Try it again."

Dean moved his hand towards Cas...and again Cas recoiled from his touch. Sam took a step back, "I'm going to go find the doctor. See if that means anything."

\--------------------

They spent hours at Cas's bedside. Sam brought Dean some food from the cafeteria...but Dean barely touched it. They were finally told by the nurse that visiting hours were over. Dean just stared blankly at her from his place in the chair. "You're welcome to come back in the morning." Sam finally got Dean downstairs and into the parking lot. Dean threw his keys to Sam.

"You want me to drive?" Dean almost never let him drive.

Dean just whispered, "yeah". And got in the passenger seat. They drove silently to the motel. Dean just flopped down on one of the beds and threw his arm across his eyes.

"You okay Dean? Do you need anything? You haven't really eaten..."

"Nah...I'm good Sammy. But thanks."

"So...I uh called Garth about the wendingo thing. He said he'll take care of it."

"Thanks Sammy" Dean said as he drifted off to sleep.

\--------------------

Dean woke up to Sam shaking his shoulder. "Dude...get up. Let's get over to the hospital."

The hospital? Was someone sick? And then it hit him...Cas...it was Cas.

Dean jumped in the shower...got dressed...and waited impatiently by the door for Sam. The doctor had told them if Cas's movements were purposeful...then they should spend as much time with him as they could. Cas would be more likely to react to familiar voices or touches. Neither Dean nor Cas were the touchy-feely type...so Sam figured that they just needed to talk. Talk about places they'd all been. Things that they'd been through. Just talk.

Dean sat down in the chair, "hey Cas...do you remember that one time..." He talked for three hours straight. Sam finally convinced him to go grab a cup of coffee and some food while he took over. He sent Dean away so that he could talk about Dean. Sam never understood the nature of their relationship...but it was different. Closer than friends...not quite like brothers...but no real sexual element. Maybe it had to do with Cas bringing Dean back. Maybe Dean felt like he owed Cas something. Sam didn't know. He just knew that Cas would do anything for Dean. So Sam started talking. 

That was the pattern for the next two days.

By day three...Sam could see the toll it was taking on Dean. He'd called Bobby to let him know what was going on...but Dean wouldn't even take the phone from Sam. If he wasn't sitting with Cas he was pacing or sleeping. Sam was starting to worry. Dean didn't leave Cas's bedside that day. He didn't let Sam take over. He just talked...until finally he broke down. He quietly cried and whispered to Cas. Sam couldn't hear what he was saying...and he almost felt like he was intruding just by being in the room. Dean finally just rested his forehead on the railing of Cas's bed. He didn't cry...he didn't talk. He just let silence take over. Until he thought he heard a whisper..."I'm Cas?" It was so soft...really nothing more that a breath against his ear. He lifted his head to look at Cas's face. He had a feeding tube in and an oxygen mask on...he barely looked like Cas. "Yeah buddy...you're Cas...and I'm Dean. Sam's here too." He gestured for Sam to come closer. Dean held his breath and waited..."I'm Cas?" he heard again. It was so faint that Dean could barely make it out over the sound of his own heart beating.

"Did he just...I mean...he just..." Sam stammered and went to find the doctor.

The doctor encouraged them to keep trying...so Dean kept talking. He would have read the dictionary out loud if it meant that Cas would speak...over an hour later...he said it again.

By the next day...Cas had opened his eyes. Within a few more days he was speaking more clearly. The doctor eventually pulled Sam aside, "Now we've tried to talk to your brother about many different things, he doesn't respond well to much other than yes or no questions. At this point I believe that he may have total amnesia due to the brain injury."

"He doesn't remember anything? Anything at all?" Sam asked.

"Nothing prior to waking up in a field just off the highway. Physically he will be well enough to go home in a few days. However...dealing with an amnesiac can be very difficult and stressful on the family."

"So...what does all of that mean" Sam asked as he swallowed hard.

"Your brother has retained the basics. But he has no memory of you or your other brother. He can't remember places or experiences. It can get quite frustrating for the family."

Sam didn't realize that Dean had walked up behind him, "We don't care how stressful it is. When Cas is ready...we'll take him home."

Sam thanked the doctor and pulled Dean aside, "Dean...I want to help Cas as much as you do...but you have to be realistic. We don't have a home."

Dean stared at Sam for a minute, "Call Bobby." and he turned back towards Cas's room.

\--------------------

The man sat back against the pillows and looked around. They had taken off his oxygen mask and removed his feeding tube. It still hurt to breathe...but they told him that was because he had three broken ribs. He tried to eat the hospital food...but never finished. He still couldn't remember anything before the field. He had tried...but that day seemed to have become his birthday. He knew of no life before that. He was told that his name was Cas and that he had two brothers. The tall one was Sam...the green eyed one was Dean. They never told him what his last name was...but he'd heard them say 'Winchester' a few times...so he just assumed that was it. Apparently he was leaving in the morning to go to Bobby's. He didn't know who Bobby was either. He was terrified. Everybody was making decisions for him...but he was helpless and had no choice.

\--------------------

That night....Sam sat Dean down to have the 'voice of reason' talk.

"Dean...I've spent the last couple of days researching this. I need you to understand how complicated this is."

"No...I get it." Dean said

"No Dean...you don't. Cas doesn't know who he is. He doesn't know who we are. And who we are is complicated. He obviously has no grace. He's no longer an angel...but these are all things we can't talk about around him. Neither one of us wants to lie to Cas...but we need to help him...slowly. Hell...he doesn't even know that his first name is actually Castiel and that he has no last name. And hunting? Demons? Angels? Things that go bump in the night? We can't talk about those things around him. I don't know how this will all work out...but Dean...you are going to HAVE to control your anger. You're going to stop being reckless and careless. This has to be about Cas. If you want him back...truly have him back...you need to be patient with him. With the entire situation. He is terrified...don't make it worse."

Dean just sat on the edge of his bed feeling like he'd been punched in the gut, "Is that really what you think of me Sam? That I'm too angry or...or too impatient to handle this? You think that I'm going to fuck this up? Fuck Cas up? Scare him? This is Cas. I would never do anything to hurt him."

Sam looked down and shook his head, "That's not what I'm saying Dean. I know that you would never intentionally..."

Dean cut him off, "it's not a matter of intention Sammy...I would NEVER do anything to hurt Cas..." and he stormed outside.

When Sam didn't hear the sound of Dean's car...he figured that Dean was out there walking it off. He knew that the best thing he could do right now is to shut off the lights and go to bed. Dean was on the defense and the last thing he wanted to see was Sam's face. Sam fell asleep that night wondering if they were doing the right thing.

\-------------------

Dean let Cas borrow some of his clothes for the trip to Bobby's. Cas clutched the bag that contained his suit and trenchcoat in his hands and held it close to his body. Those were the clothes he was wearing when he was found. He'd put them on in a time he couldn't remember. They were the closest thing that he had to a past. 

His taller brother...Sam...had asked him if he wanted to sit in the front or the back of the car for their trip to South Dakota or North Dakota...he couldn't remember which one it was. He opted for the back. Apparently his other brother always drove. But he was still terrified. He wanted to go back into the hospital. At least there he knew what to expect...for the most part. 

They started down the highway and Dean turned on the radio. Cas winced...his headache had never fully gone away. Sam turned the music down and turned to smile at Cas. Cas could sense that Sam was the calm one. The more trustworthy one. He was a little afraid of Dean. Despite his easy smile and smooth charm...Cas felt like there was something desperate behind those green eyes."Let us know if you have any questions Cas. Any at all."

"Thank you Sam."

\--------------------

Cas spent his first two days in the bedroom that Bobby had prepared for him. Bobby and the boys spoke in hushed tones and walked gently. Eventually he emerged and just stood frozen in the hallway...wringing his pale hands. He looked like a child...easily spooked. 

That's where Sam found him.

"Are you okay Cas?" Sam asked quietly. He knew that Cas had only seen the inside of his bedroom and the bathroom since his initial tour of the house. Bobby's junkyard and old home crammed with books...papers...and dust could be intimidating. 

"Do you have a minute Sam? I mean...could we talk?"

"Of course Cas." 

Cas's lips were shaking...Sam could see the nervousness in his eyes. "Maybe in my room?" he whispered. 

"Sure Cas...whatever you want." Sam followed Cas into his room and sat in the chair that Bobby had placed in the corner. 

Cas tucked his feet underneath him on the bed and just looked at Sam for a moment. The biggest difference between the brothers was their eyes. It wasn't the color...it was the intensity. Sam's were soft...understanding. Dean's were piercing...emotional. 

"Sam...our last name is Winchester...right?"

Sam cleared his throat...he knew Cas would eventually start asking questions. He and Dean had agreed...promised...that they wouldn't lie to Cas...but they'd never actually discussed what they would tell him. He didn't know if he was ready for this.

"Not exactly" Sam answered. "Mine and Dean's last name is Winchester. You...uh...you don't really have one."

"If we're brothers...why don't I have a last name?"

"Well...Cas...you're kind of adopted."

Cas took a deep breath and a moment to mourn parents that he knew nothing about.

"And so my name is just Cas?"

"Your name is Castiel. We've just always called you Cas." Sam knew that this was going to be tough...baby steps. He didn't realize how hard it was going to be to try and balance the truth without scaring him. He wouldn't believe the truth anyway. Not yet.

"It sounds...biblical." Cas said...looking at Sam.

"Actually...it is. Castiel was an angel. He was a great warrior."

"So...who adopted me?"

"This is where it gets tricky...so try and stay with me...okay?"

Cas just nodded.

"It was actually Dean and I who adopted you" Sam continued. "You saved Dean. You found him and you saved him. You had left home and so we became your family."

Cas didn't understand what any of that meant. He had saved Dean? From what? And where was his real family? Why had he left? 

Suddenly Bobby's booming voice carried through the house, "Sam..I made dinner so get your ass down here and eat." Sam turned towards the bed.

"Hey Cas?"

"Yes Sam?" 

"Why don't you come downstairs with me. Eat dinner. They're loud...but they mean well. They're both a part of your story...so you might as well get to know them. They're all bark and no bite."

Cas nodded his head and quietly followed Sam downstairs. 

\--------------------

Cas started spending more time downstairs with Bobby and the boys. He like Bobby. Bobby was boisterous and rough around the edges...but he was soft at heart. He doted on those boys. Sam was smart and easygoing. Sam would always smile or nod his head at Cas...trying to draw him into conversations...card games...whatever they had going on. Dean still made him nervous. Dean seemed to silently feel too much. It was easy to see when you had the chance to sit back and watch. Dean's eyes were always darting. Even when he laughed...there was something painful about it. 

\--------------------

Cas didn't talk much. He hadn't asked many questions other than the rudimentary ones. He knew that Bobby was a semi retired fact finder. He knew that Sam and Dean were exterminators who only dealt with large and/or dangerous pests. He had been told that prior to him waking up in the field he'd been involved with a charitable foundation. It all seemed so vague...but Cas was appeased with that small amount of information for the time being. He took to wandering around and looking at things. He was fascinated by Bobby's expansive book collection. He would run his fingers along the spines...disrupting the layer of dust that seemed to cover every surface of the house...but he never pulled one off of the shelf. Most of them had strange markings and symbols...nothing that he recognized. Bobby had purposely left the large Enochian book lying open on his desk. Although Sam didn't agree with him...he understood. Cas noticed that Dean was easily agitated and spent a lot of time outside...away from the rest of them. Dean fascinated Cas...but he couldn't find the words to explain why. He didn't know why. He would find himself watching Dean through the kitchen window...hoping not to be caught by Sam or Bobby. 

\--------------------

"Dean...you can't be serious? You want to work a case? Right now?"

"Sammy...it's a basic haunting. Get some intel and burn some bones. It'll only take me a couple of days. I'm going stir crazy...and he doesn't even talk to me. What could it hurt?" Dean was bothered by the way that Cas seemed to ignore him. Seemed almost afraid of him. Cas was his best friend...and Dean missed him. 

Sam knew that it didn't matter what he said...Dean was leaving. He couldn't call his bluff...he had to stay behind. Sam seemed to be the only one that Cas trusted. "In and out Dean. You come right back. We promised that we were in this together."

"I know Sammy...and we are. I just need to...you know...hit the road for a day or two."

\--------------------

"Where is he going?" Cas asked over his shoulder from his vantage point in the kitchen. He had been watching Dean pack up his car for the last 20 minutes.

"Oh...he caught wind of a simple case. We figured that he might as well go check it out." Sam explained as he also watched Dean over the top of Cas's head. 

Cas turned to Sam, "he doesn't like me very much...does he?"

Sam didn't know what to say. How could he describe Cas and Dean's relationship when he didn't even understand it. "Cas...you've got it all wrong. You mean the world to Dean. He's just having a hard time with all of this." Sam knew that Dean was hurting. He didn't even have to ask. He knew his brother...and his brother just wanted Cas back.

"He rarely talks to me Sam".

"I know Cas...it's really hard to explain..." he was cut off when Dean came back into the house.

"Okay you two...no girls in the house...no parties...and no getting into my liquor. I'm trusting you." Dean teased. Cas glanced over and could see Dean looking at him with something that bordered on sorrow. He felt guilty...and he wasn't sure why. 

"Good luck Dean" Cas mumbled as he walked away. 

"So I'll see you in a couple of days. I'll call if I run into any complications...and you do the same." Dean told Sam as he watched Cas's retreating back. Before Sam could say anything...Dean had already jumped in the Impala and started the engine.

\--------------------

"What is this?" Cas asked...looking down at book written in Enochian. Sam and Bobby exchanged a glance.

"That" Bobby began to explain "is an ancient language said to have been used by angels. Sam and I have been trying to translate it."

"I wonder what it says. I mean...what would angels have to write about? They're just winged do-gooders in Heaven."

"Actually Cas...it's been said that angels roam the earth and can blend in amongst mankind." Sam gave Bobby a hard look. He knew that Bobby wanted to help Cas remember...but he was walking a fine line.

"Huh" Cas said "That's an interesting theory. It kind of makes you wonder if you've ever seen one without knowing."

Bobby just shrugged and wandered into the kitchen to get himself something to drink. He wondered if that angel boy was ever going to get his head straight. If he didn't...what were they going to do? Telling the full truth wasn't an option.

\--------------------

Dean checked into the motel room and laid his bag down. There was no haunting. Hell...he wasn't even 25 miles away from Bobby's place. He checked his phone to make sure that Sam hadn't turned on his GPS. He hated lying to his brother...but he had to get away. He knew that it was cowardly to leave Sam behind with Cas...but he needed to get his head straight. It was hard to see Cas every day...knowing that Cas didn't know who he was. Cas didn't remember him. And the worst part is that he knew that Cas was afraid of him. He used to get annoyed by Cas's ability to know his moods or read his thoughts. Now he missed it. He hated himself for questioning their decision to bring Cas back to Bobby's. He hated himself for letting Sam take the brunt of the work when he had insisted that they do this. He just knew that even without his grace...Cas was his angel...and he missed him.

\--------------------

Cas didn't want to play cards and drink with Sam and Bobby. When he'd asked Sam if he'd been a drinker...Sam just laughed and said, "not a very good one." Sam wanted to tell him about the time he showed up at the motel drunk...the night that Dean had decided that they were team free will. He laughed to himself when he remembered it. But this wasn't that Cas. This Cas wore Dean's clothes...not his suit and trenchcoat. This Cas didn't know what hunters were...or that most angels were actually assholes. He didn't know that he was walking around on top of a panic room that was warded against demons. Sam didn't know what do to with this Cas. He didn't know how much to tell him. He was starting to think that Dean was the only one who could bring Cas back.

\--------------------

Cas had started venturing outside. He would wander around the stacks of crushed cars and sheet metal. He would listen and touch things...hoping that something would feel familiar to him. So far...nothing did. He'd already been through the entire house...watching and listening...trying to find something that he remembered...but there was nothing. The sun was starting to set when he decided to go back inside. That's when he heard the sound of an engine...Dean's car...

\--------------------

Dean pulled down the dirt drive that led to Bobby's house riddled with guilt. He'd only been gone for one night...he knew that Sam would figure it out. He turned to pull up next to the house and he saw Cas. Cas had stopped walking and was just looking at Dean through the windshield. The sun was setting behind him and the last of it's light radiated from the sky behind Cas. Dean couldn't make out anything other than his silhouette. He couldn't stop staring. That was his angel. If he pictured the suit and trenchcoat then the months just fell away and they had Cas back. Dean's eyes welled up. This was the Cas he wanted back. The obstinate pain in his ass who always seemed to know when he was in trouble...when he needed him. Dean hadn't even turned off the engine. He couldn't pull his eyes away. He didn't even know that Cas was staring back.

\--------------------

"That selfish son of a bitch!" Sam said...pounding on the kitchen counter. He turned to Bobby. "He's back already? That was a quick hunt. He bailed." Sam was beyond angry. He stormed outside. Dean hadn't even cut the engine yet. Sam reached through the window and turned the key. He was seething. Dean didn't even seem to notice. "A haunting huh? 2 or 3 days huh?" he whispered in Dean's ear. "This is bullshit Dean. Man up and deal with it like the rest of us. If anyone can bring him back...it's you." and he walked away...past Cas and back into the house. 

As Bobby watched this all go down through the window he wondered if maybe he should move into the panic room. This was turning into a goddamn soap opera.

\--------------------

Dean got out of the car...still staring at Cas. Cas hadn't moved.

"Cas...hey..."

Cas could see something new in Dean's eyes...they seemed softer...almost sad. 

"Hello Dean...you're back early."

Dean could not tear his eyes away. "Yeah...turns out they didn't need me."

That's when they heard Bobby, "if you want to eat then get your asses in the house...oh and Dean? I'm pretty sure your brother wants to rip you a new asshole so you may want to pour yourself a drink."

Dean grabbed his bag and followed Cas into the house. He knew he was going to hear it from Sam so he took Bobby's advice and poured himself a drink. 

Sam just glared at Dean from across the table. They ate in uncomfortable silence. 

Once Bobby and Cas had both wandered upstairs...Sam started in on Dean.

"Ya know what? I'm not even going to ask you why you bailed. But it's bullshit, Dean. We have been dealing with this...no wait...I...I have been dealing with this for weeks while you've been feeling sorry for yourself because your precious Cas doesn't remember you. He doesn't remember me either. He doesn't remember Bobby. He doesn't remember anything. The only thing that will bring him back is you."

Dean took a step back, "Me? What do you mean me? How can I bring him back?"

"I don't know. That weird freaky connection you've always had with him. You may not be able to explain it...but you can't deny it. Maybe it's a long shot...but it's all we've got. Other than telling him the truth...which he probably won't be able to handle. Telling someone that we are hunters is one thing...but to add that he's an angel who saved you from hell? It's a bit much to take in."

Dean just shook his head, "but what does any of that mean? What am I supposed to do? He doesn't talk to me...he barely looks at me. Apparently our weird freaky connection isn't there anymore. So I don't know how you expect me to do anything."

"Ya know what Dean? I'm done. I'm done expecting you to do anything. Selfish prick." 

Sam walked away leaving Dean holding his drink in the doorway. Dean drank the last swallow of the amber liquid and went into the living room. He took off his boots and laid on the couch. He knew that Sam was right. He was their best shot at getting Cas back...but how? They didn't make instruction manuals for this type of stuff. 

\--------------------

Cas heard the brothers muffled voices and then a door slam. He knew that he was the source of contention. He snuck down a few steps until he had a clear view of the living room. He watched Dean pull his boots off and lay on the couch. He looked weary. Cas stood there frozen. 

"Cas? You can't stand on the stairs all night."

How did Dean know that he was there? "I couldn't sleep. I was coming downstairs to make tea."

"You've been here long enough to know that the only drinks that Bobby keeps in this house are whiskey and coffee. So are you going to back up or come down? Because you're welcome to come down here. I can't sleep either and I could use the company." If Sam was right...he might as well start getting Cas talking tonight.

Dean was surprised when he heard the old staircase creak under Cas's weight as he moved down towards the living room. 

"Hello Dean."

Dean couldn't help but smile at Cas's greeting. It brought back shadows of memories. How many times had he heard that same voice utter those same two word from behind him. 

"Did I say something funny" Cas was worried that maybe Dean's invitation was made in order to be polite and not sincere.

"Not at all Cas. It reminded me of when you'd sneak up behind me and say those exact words."

Cas couldn't help but smile. Dean did have fond memories of him. "Did I do it often?"

"Pretty much every time you'd show up. And I wasn't always nice about it. Not when you made me jump. Sam always thought it was funny. Especially when he knew you were behind me before I did." Dean closed his eyes...he wanted to wind those memories around him and Cas and make everything okay again.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Cas?" this was the longest conversation they'd had since they found Cas at the hospital.

"Sam said that you and him adopted me. What does that mean?"

Dean felt calm while they talked. He loved the sound of Cas's voice. 

"Well...that's a complicated story. Growing up...Sam and I moved around a lot. Our father had been in the marine corps and our mother died when Sam was just a baby. All Sam and I really had was each other. Sam left for college, pre law at Stanford. Our father disappeared one night so I went to Stanford...I asked Sam to help me find him, and he did. Our father died a few months later and Sam never went back to school...so once again...all Sam and I had was each other."

"How did your father die...if you don't mind me asking." Cas was fascinated.

"I don't mind you asking. You used to know everything about me. We were in a car accident. Sam was okay. I was pretty banged up. Our father died. Sam and I were alone. Flash forward a couple of years and I ended up in a pretty bad place. You found me. You saved me. You brought me back. You've pretty much been with us ever since."

"I saved you? From what?" Cas couldn't figure out how he could have saved Dean.

"From hell." Once the words were out of Dean's mouth he regretted them. 

Cas took it as a metaphor.

They talked for hours...Dean knew he had to choose his words wisely. They talked until Cas was too tired to talk anymore. Cas stopped on his way upstairs and turned around, "thank you Dean." 

Dean just smiled at him and nodded. 

\--------------------

Sam sensed the marked difference when he got downstairs. Dean was still dozing on the couch and Cas was already in the kitchen making coffee...but the tension that had been palpable just days before was gone. Cas finally seemed at ease. 

"I don't know if Dean is a morning person so I figured I'd make some coffee...quietly. Bobby is outside tinkering with something."

"Uh...no. Dean is definitely not a morning person."

"What do you mean I'm not a morning person" Dean said, yawning as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm at my most charming before coffee." He scratched his head and grabbed a mug out of the cabinet. He poured himself a cup and sat at the table. After a few sips he turned his head and looked up at Cas, "how in the hell are you so cheerful up early and making coffee? I mean I know that for a long time you didn't need sleep..."

"Uh...yeah..." Sam butted in, "when you had insomnia. You didn't sleep for days at a time." Sam glared at Dean. "But you're sleeping okay now...right?"

"If he is up...showered...and making coffee after not getting to bed until after four o'clock in the morning...I'd say we may not want to take that insomnia thing off the table. And where did you find that shirt? I was looking for it the other day?"

Cas fiddled with the buttons, "It was in the dryer. You can have it back if you want..."

"Aw...look at that Sammy...he'd give me my shirt right off his back." Cas felt like Dean was mocking him until Dean caught his eye and winked. "Well...this grumpy non-morning person needs a shower and I'm going to assume that you two used up all of the hot water?"

"Probably" Sam smiled, "but it's not like it's first cold shower you're ever taken. Remember that blonde...what was her name..."

"Shut up Sam" Dean yawned and he walked up the stairs.

"Sounds like you and Dean had quite the talk last night."

"Yes...we did. I'm sorry about your parents"

Sam grew wary. What exactly had Dean told him? Cas didn't seem upset so obviously he hadn't told him the whole truth...but he needed to know. They had to get their story straight. "I'll be right back. I forgot something upstairs" and he left Cas sipping coffee and looking out the window. He found Dean in the bathroom toweling off his hair. "You and Cas talked until four o'clock in the morning?"

"Something like that" Dean said distractedly...looking in the mirror trying to decide if he wanted to shave or not.

"Well what in the hell did you talk about?"

"I don't know Sammy. Things. Life. I didn't exactly have a script. I told him what he wanted to know. The abridged version. You were the one who told me to. So when he came to me...we started talking."

"He came to you?"

"Well not exactly. After you stormed off and slammed your door...very mature move by the way...I could tell he was on the stairs. I called him out and he said 'Hello Dean'...I couldn't keep myself from laughing. It was just so...Cas...ya know. He asked why I was laughing...I gave him the edited version and we just started to talk. I skipped over a few things...actually a lot of things but eventually we moved away from the past and just talked. Don't worry...I didn't spill any deep dark Winchester secrets. But I did learn that he laughs. A lot more than before. Apparently Cas with amnesia thinks I'm funny."

"Keep in mind...he hasn't been around a whole lot of people. He'll figure you out." Sam smiled but was still hesitant. This all just proved that he was right. It had to be Dean. But Dean has a short fuse and no patience. How long until this blew up in their faces..taking Cas with it?

\--------------------

Cas was once again at the window watching Dean fix his car. Sam could see him from Bobby's desk where he sat trying to translate the Enochian book. Sam didn't know what they had talked about the night before...but he saw a big difference in Cas. Dean was always the one that Cas went to. Cas had always been there when Dean needed him. It looked like right now...they needed each other. 

\--------------------

Sam slipped into the kitchen and opened the fridge to check out the beer situation. Some were missing which meant that Dean must have taken them to fill his cooler. He figured it wouldn't hurt to feign a little ignorance. He grabbed two bottles.

"Hey...Cas?"

Cas looked at Sam...embarrassed that he'd been caught watching Dean. "Yes Sam?"

"Um...I still have a ton of work to do on this translation for Bobby...but I know that it's probably hotter than hell outside. Could you take this to Dean for me? It would be a huge help."

Cas grabbed the bottle from Sam's hand, "Sure Sam...no problem." 

Sam just smiled...opened the other bottle..and went back to his translation.

"Hey Dean? I've got something for you."

"Just a second Cas...let me finish here." After a few twists of the socket wrench...Dean slid out from under the car. Still laying on the ground...he shielded his eyes to look up at Cas. "Okay...so what's up?"

"Sam asked me to bring this to you. He was right when he said that it's hotter than hell out here." 

Dean just chuckled...if only Cas knew how wrong that statement was. He stood up and took the bottle from Cas. "Ah...thank you. You are a life saver." he said as he popped the cap off and took a long drink. 

Cas just watched him...his hair messy...he had a smudge of grease across his forehead that seemed untouched by the sweat on his brow...his hands were dirty and calloused wrapped around the cold bottle.

"Okay...then I guess I'll let you get back to work."

"You don't want to stick around and keep me company?" Dean asked...flashing a grin before he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.

"Well...you're busy and you have your radio on..."

"Cas...I can turn the radio off. Take a seat on the cooler. There's more beer in there if you want one. I guess Sam didn't realize that I'd already stocked up." Dean told him.

"I asked Sam if I was a drinker...he told me that I wasn't a very good one. So I'm fine. But thanks."

Dean just laughed...he knew what Sam was talking about. That night at the motel when Cas showed up after drinking a liquor store.

Cas never knew if Dean was mocking him...or genuinely laughing over a good memory.

"Sorry...sorry.." Dean said...trying to catch his breath. "Sam's right...you are not a good drinker."

Cas laughed along with him. "So what did I do to qualify as 'not a good drinker'?"

Dean leaned against his car and thought back to that night. "Sam and I were working a job. You showed up at the motel trashed. And I mean trashed. You definitely could not handle your liquor. I don't think that we let you drink after that."

Cas looked at the ground and sighed. He wished that he could remember all of the good times he had with the Winchesters. Most days he was frustrated...today he was lost. When he saw the first tear land in the dust between his feet...he stood up and turned his back to Dean.

"You okay Cas?"

"Yes Dean..I'm fine," as he started to walk away. 

This may not be the old Cas...the angel Cas...but he was still Cas. Dean set his beer bottle down and ran after him.

"Cas...man...what's wrong? Okay...that was a stupid question...I know what's wrong...but talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

Cas stopped walked and turned to Dean, "I wish I could remember something...anything...about us. You tell me these stories...but that's all they are to me. Just stories. I can't see myself when I picture them. You are talking about somebody else...and I desperately want to be that somebody else." Cas dropped his head and cried. At this point he wasn't worried about keeping up a strong front. He didn't feel like he had to. Not with Dean.

Dean reflexively reached out and grabbed Cas. He pulled him against his dirty t-shirt and held him. Dean had started crying too. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and reached up his back. Dean gently pressed Cas's head against his shoulder so that he could bury his face in Dean's neck while he rested his cheek against Cas. They cried together, Cas emitting mumbled apologies between sobs...and Dean softly reassuring him that he'd done nothing wrong. Dean didn't know how long they stood there like that before Cas pulled away.

"Thank you Dean" he said softly.

"For what?"

"For being my friend."

Dean put his hands gently on either side of Cas's face. "Cas...don't you ever thank me for being your friend. You don't understand how much you mean to me. Hell...sometimes I don't understand how much you mean to me. But I would do anything for you, please...please believe that" Dean said...searching Cas's eyes. It wasn't until he didn't need Cas to help fight his battles that he realized he just needed Cas. "Cas...I don't know if I can make you understand this...but before...I needed you in my life to save my ass. I was a selfish bastard. Right now...I need you in my life because you're Cas. I know this is a big mushy mess...and I know that you don't remember my rule about chick flick moments. Memory or no memory...you are the best friend that I have ever had. This has all been about your past...and I get that. You don't remember where you came from...who you used to be...the things you did. Sam and I can fill in some of the blank spots for you...but we can't tell you your entire story. What I can tell you is that if we walked into that house right now," Dean said...pointing at Bobby's old house, "we're probably going to find Sam at that desk with his computer and that damn book. We're gonna find Bobby at the stove griping about cooking...and he'll probably call me an idjit at some point. That's your life right now Cas."

Cas just stared at the house.

"Unless it's not the life you want." Dean said softly. "If you want something else...something more...just tell me. I took Sam's life away from him...and I will never forgive myself for that. I'm not going to do it to you too."

Dean was completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. He patted Cas on the shoulder and walked back to his car...leaving Cas staring at the house. 

Sam had been watching out the window. He didn't see what happened after Cas walked away and Dean followed him...but he did see Dean slide back under the car. A few minutes later Cas walked in with red and swollen eyes. He'd obviously been crying. What in the hell had Dean done? Cas quietly walked past Sam and upstairs. When he heard the door shut...Sam went outside.

"Dean?"

Dean just ignored him.

"Dean? What in the hell is going on? What did you say to Cas?"

Dean rolled out from under the car and stood up...staring Sam down. "Ya know what Sammy? You were right. You have taken the brunt of this. But...if I'm the one who can bring him back...then let me do it. I don't owe you a play by play of every conversation we have. Yes...I know that he came into the house upset...but that's really none of your fucking business. It's between me and Cas. Just like last night was between me and Cas."

Sam turned to walk away. Dean was close to his breaking point and he wasn't about to set him off. Not now.

"What if he doesn't come back Sam? What if he never remembers? What then? Then his story starts the day he woke up in that field. That's what I told him. I let him know that he isn't a prisoner here. I won't do to him what I did to you. I can't make that mistake again." Dean threw his half finished beer against a pile of crushed cars and walked away. Away from Sam. Away from the house...

\--------------------

Dean stayed outside just wandering through Bobby's lot...thinking and waiting for everyone to go to bed. He didn't want to talk to anybody...he didn't want to see anybody. If he hadn't spent so many nights sleeping in the Impala...that's what he'd do. He didn't want Sam to know how much their conversation bothered him...and he didn't want Cas to feel abandoned. He finally went inside and laid down on the couch...replaying the day over in his head while he stared at the ceiling in the dark.

He must have been laying there for hours when he heard, "Dean?" Cas's voice was so quiet...almost as quiet as it was that day at the hospital.

"Yeah Cas..."

"I'm sorry about earlier."

Dean sat up on the couch...searching for Cas in the dark. "Sorry for what Cas? You don't need to be sorry for anything."

"Did you and Sam argue?"

Dean just hung his head and sighed. "Brothers fight Cas. I'm hot headed and Sam is a control freak. We butt heads. It's no big deal. Everything will be fine by morning." He could sense Cas moving towards him. He stopped in front of the old couch.

"Do you mind?" Cas whispered.

Dean moved the blankets out of the way, "of course not Cas...sit."

Cas sat next to him and leaned his head back. "Dean...this is what I want. Bobby...Sam...and you."

"Are you sure Cas? Life with us is isn't easy. It's complicated. Being here at Bobby's is actually the calm in the storm."

"Are you trying to talk me out of it?"

"Of course not Cas. But there's a chance that you will never remember anything before that day that you woke up in that field. I don't want you thinking that this is all there is. There is a world beyond Singer Auto Salvage...a world beyond Sam and Dean Winchester. I don't want to take that world from you."

"Dean...you came to me in the hospital. You found me. Before we left...one of the nurses told me that you had spent three days next to my bed just talking to me. You didn't leave my side. Why would I want anything beyond that? That's everything. I may not know who I am other than 'Castiel the dorky guy who was named after an angel'...but you told me that I was the best friend that you've ever had. That's all I need. That's enough. I don't want anything else."

Dean leaned his head back next to Cas's..."Do you mean that Cas?"

"I mean it Dean." and he shifted his body and leaned against Dean. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him to his chest. For the first time in his life...he felt like Dean. Not Dean Winchester the hunter...just a guy named Dean. Cas didn't know him as a hunter. Cas didn't know his background...the horrible things that he'd seen and done. Cas didn't even know that he'd raised Dean's soul from hell. All Cas knew was at that very moment he was sitting with Dean...and that he was the best friend that Dean had ever had. Dean didn't think that he'd ever felt so relaxed in his life. He had spent his childhood being dragged around the country...taught how to hunt and kill things that most people didn't know really existed. He'd never had a home...unless you counted the Impala. The women were meaningless and never lasted longer than the case they were working. He knew other hunters...but they were nothing more than acquaintances. The only people who really knew him were Sam and Bobby...but they also knew how damaged he was. How broken he was on the inside. They knew that sometimes he used alcohol to numb himself so that the nightmares wouldn't come. 

Cas didn't know any of that. Cas just trusted him. Nobody had ever really trusted Dean Winchester...

"Cas..stand up for a minute."

"Do you want me to go back..."

Dean cut him off. "No..I just want you to stand up for a minute." Dean shifted his body until he was laying on the couch again. He pulled Cas down to sit between his legs and lean back against his chest. He threw a blanket over them and rested his chin on the top of Cas's head. He could smell the shampoo that Cas had used earlier in the day. Cas wrapped his hands around Dean's wrists and pulled his hands to his chest. He knew that Dean would never let anything bad happen to him. They laid there...silent and comfortable until they both fell asleep.

\--------------------

Sam was about halfway down the stairs when he saw Cas and Dean on the couch. Dean was snoring softly with one arm thrown over his eyes and the other was across Cas's chest. Cas had both hands on Dean's arm and was holding it possessively against him. Their legs were tangled together under the blanket. Sam was frozen in place. He didn't know if he should just go back upstairs and pretend like he didn't see anything...

Cas opened his eyes, "Sam" he said as he let go of Dean's arm and yawned. He was trying to figure out how to untangle his body from Dean's when he felt Dean lift his arm from over his eyes. Dean opened one eye and turned his head towards his brother. "Oh hey Sammy. You headed to make coffee? Cas...move your left leg over there so that we can move. I need to stretch. This couch was not made for two."

Sam's jaw dropped. Not only had he just seen his brother holding Cas...he was acting casual about it. Like it was just any other morning.

Dean and Cas finally got untangled and Dean stood up to stretch. "If you're just going to just stand on the stairs being useless...I'll go start the coffee. I'm guessing that Bobby is still asleep?"

"Uh...yeah I think so" Sam just stuttered. What in the hell was going on?

Cas rubbed his eyes and looked at Sam. "Good morning Sam" he smiled. 

"Uh...hey Cas. How are you doing?"

"Good. I think this was the first time I've slept all night since I got out of the hospital." He stretched his arms above his head and tried to look in the kitchen to see if the coffee was brewing yet. "I'm going to go take a shower...or should I wait until after Bobby wakes up?"

"No..no...go ahead. You're good."

Cas smiled at Sam again and went upstairs. Sam rushed into the kitchen. "Dean...what in the hell was that?"

"What? Oh...you mean the couch thing? It was nothing. Just fell asleep talking."

"Okay...I'm calling bullshit here Dean...because that looked a little too close and comfortable to have just fallen asleep while talking."

"I swear...we're innocent...we kept our clothes on mom." Dean just grinned at his brother and crossed his arms over his chest while he waited for the coffee.

"You think this is funny?"

"What Sam...you think this is about sex?"

Sam was flustered..."Well you aren't exactly known for being the warm and cuddly type. And neither is Cas."

"Okay...this is where you're wrong Sam. Cas didn't used to be the warm and cuddly type. But he was an angel...and we both know that angels are dicks. And just because you and I have never snuggled does not mean that I'm not warm and cuddly." Dean was having way too much fun messing with Sam's head. "Don't make this about sex...then I'll just feel cheap and used. Let it be the beautiful human experience that it was."

"Dean...I swear to god..."

"Let's break this down. Don't waste your time swearing to god. Nobody knows where the guy is. And stop making such a big deal about it okay? What...my reputation proceeds me? Big bad Dean was preying on the weak? He's not a drunk stripper Sam. It's nothing like that. You are the one who is making this about sex. Not me. Not Cas. Do you remember the last time I shared a bed with somebody that I care about? Somebody who cares about me?" Dean paused to pour his coffee. "Yeah...me neither." 

"We're not done here" Sam hissed when he heard the shower turn off.

"That's where you're wrong Sammy...we are done here. Remember...no play by play? I don't owe you an explanation. Just admit that you aren't concerned...you're curious."

Sam stormed out of the kitchen as Dean called, "Coffee's ready" to his retreating back.

"Fuck you Dean."

"It's always about sex with you Sammy" and he laughed. He wasn't sure why he invited Cas into his bed last night. It just felt like the right thing to do. He didn't regret it. He wasn't ashamed of it. And he'd let it happen again. There was something about Cas that calmed him...and he needed that. 

\--------------------

Cas came back downstairs freshly showered and took his coffee into the living room. Sam still wasn't used to seeing him in Dean's clothes. Sometimes he wanted Cas to just go put the suit and trenchcoat back on. He wanted things to be the way they used to be. He knew that he had told Dean that he was the one...the only one who could bring Cas back...he just didn't know what it would entail. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he was making it all about sex. But Dean had always been about sex. 

They hadn't worked in weeks. Sam knew that Bobby would let them stay as long as they needed. Bobby liked having Sam there to help him. But how would have Bobby reacted if he'd been the one who found Cas and Dean on the couch this morning? All Sam knew was that Dean wasn't on edge...he wasn't restless. He hadn't even mentioned work since he'd gotten home from his fake haunting. But...they couldn't stay there forever. Cas or no Cas...they had to somehow get back to normal. Or as normal as their lives could be. Later that day...Sam followed Dean outside.

"So what's going on here Dean?"

"What do you mean Sammy? I thought we went over this. You gave me a job to do...and I'm doing it. I don't have to explain myself to you." 

"No Dean...I'm talking about in general. We haven't worked a case in weeks. I know that Bobby doesn't mind having us here...but since when have you gone this long without going stir crazy? I'm starting to worry."

Dean just sighed. "Again...you gave me a job Sam...and I'm doing it. If you want to go hunting...then hunt. We haven't caught wind of anything major going on out there. What...are you worried that we're going to lose our edge or something? We're Winchesters for christ sake. It's in our blood."

"This has nothing to do with us losing our edge."

"Then what Sammy? What? Because I'm not following you here."

Sam sighed and dropped his head, "I'm afraid that you are going about this the wrong way. That you are getting too attached in your own weird way."

"What?" Dean asked, stunned. "A few days ago the guy wouldn't even look at me."

"Exactly. And now I find him in your bed?"

Dean couldn't believe it. "I thought we talked about this. You are turning it into something that it wasn't. God Sam...do you really think that little of me? Do you really think that I would do that? Hurt Cas? This is bullshit!" And he walked away.

Bobby heard the boys shouting and he went outside after Dean walked away. He rested his hand on Sam's shoulder, "Sam...now I don't know exactly what is going on here. Maybe I don't want to know. But I've seen a change in that angel boy. You need to let Dean do this his way."

"I know Bobby...but..."

"You listen here Sam Winchester...you put this on Dean...and we all know why. But you can't ask him to do something...and then tell him how to do it. That boy wasn't made that way. He's as stubborn as your father was...and that ain't going to change."

Sam just stared at the ground.

"Dean will get back to work when he's good and ready. It's not about leaving Cas behind. I may be an old man...but I ain't no fool. I know what I can and can't say around Cas. I like the kid. He can stay as long as he needs to...but you've got to stop pushing your brother's buttons. We both know that Dean has a short fuse. Do you really want him blowing up right now?"

"No...you're right Bobby."

\--------------------

Maybe Dean was a little restless. He didn't feel like a hunt. He wasn't in that state of mind. He was just tired of being at Bobby's all day. He peeked his head into the living room and saw Bobby sitting at his desk.

"Bobby...I'm thinking of heading into town. We're out of damn near everything. Any requests?"

"Can't think of anything besides the usual."

"Okay...well Cas and I are going to head out."

Bobby looked around to see if Cas was anywhere within earshot. When he didn't see him, he beckoned Dean to come to his desk. "Do you really think that taking him with you is a good idea?"

"Bobby...he hasn't been outside of this yard since we got here. Other than the hospital and the drive here...he hasn't seen anything. What can it hurt?"

"Dean...what if somebody sees you? Starts talking about hunting? Or worse...what if they recognize him?"

Dean just smiled "the only person around here who knows anything about us is Jody. If you're worried about us running into anybody then call her...give her the head's up."

Bobby just sighed wearily. Jody Mills was the town sheriff who had stumbled upon the boys while they were working a case. She knew who they were and Bobby knew that she'd understand.

Sam watched Cas and Dean jump into the Impala and start down the driveway.

Cas was excited to be going somewhere with Dean...but he was nervous too. He hadn't really been outside of Bobby's yard. He didn't know what the world looked like. He didn't know what to expect.

"Do you mind if I throw on some music Cas? It makes for a better driving experience."

"I don't mind..."

Dean found a classic rock station and started singing along...on key. Cas just watched the trees and grass as they rolled by. Occasionally another car would pass going the other direction...but that was about it. He was doing his best to hide his trepidation from Dean.

"This is good Cas...this is really good. I'm proud of you man." Dean said...patting Cas on the knee. Cas reached down and trapped Dean's hand against his leg. He felt safe when Dean touched him. Dean intertwined their fingers and rested their hands on Cas's lap.

"I want to show you something Cas" Dean said as he pulled down a dirt road. They drove down until the road seemed to end and Dean let go of his hand. "We have to walk from here. It's not that far...just up over that little hill." Dean got out of the car and waited for Cas. He reached his hand back to help pull him up the embankment. Cas could see a beautiful little pond through the trees. "Every once in awhile our dad would drop me and Sam off at Bobby's so that he could go...uh...work. Bobby would bring us here to fish. I would get bored so I'd stand on the edge of the pond and skip rocks. Sam and Bobby would get so mad at me because I was scaring the fish."

Cas just watched Dean talk...he wasn't really listening to the words. Dean's eyes looked happy. He was smiling and looking at the water...still holding Cas's hand.

"Do you remember how to skip rocks? C'mon...I'll show you. We're going to have to take our shoes and socks off. As dusty as that place is...Bobby will throw a fit if we track mud in there."

Dean let go of Cas and sat on a log to remove his shoes and socks. He was already rolling up his pant leg when he noticed that Cas was still standing there.

"C'mon...take your shoes and socks off. I know that skipping rocks doesn't sound very adventurous...but it's relaxing. It's like a challenge. You have to work to see how many times you can get them to skip."

Cas sat on a log while Dean searched the ground for the perfect skipping stones. They had to be flat and round...just big enough to fit against his finger...but not so big that it would get heavy and sink. He shoved the rocks in his pocket while he waited.

Cas walked to Dean...mud squishing between his toes. "Bobby may not like us tracking mud in the house...but it's going to be all over our bare feet."

"Meh" Dean said, "they're just socks."

"I guess you're right" Cas said looking down at his feet. "And why should I care? They're your socks anyway."

Dean just laughed and handed Cas a stone.

"Okay...so what you do is hold it between your thumb and finger then throw it horizontally so that it just skims the surface. It's kind of a whole body thing. It works a lot better if you kind of twist at the hips." and he threw a stone that skipped twice...breaking up the gentle swirls in the pond. "Your turn Cas."

Cas stepped forward and tried...but failed miserably.

Dean just smiled and moved to stand behind him. "Okay Cas...plant your feet like this...hold the rock right there...now aim it towards the top of the water in kind of an upwards motion." It took Cas a few tries...okay...maybe six or seven before he got one to skip. When Dean threw the last one...getting a good three skips out of it...he walked to where Cas was standing. "Whatcha thinking?"

Cas turned and just smiled. "I don't know Dean...I can't really explain it." 

Dean stood behind him and rested his chin on Cas's shoulder. "Tell me what you see Cas...I want to see it through your eyes."

Cas reached back and grabbed Dean's hand again...intertwining their fingers. "It's mostly just the colors. We all know that trees are green...but look at the shades. That one" he said...pointing across the pond, "is so much lighter than the other ones when the sun hits it. But the one next to it is the same color as your eyes." He tilted his head slightly. "And the reflections in the pond...now that it's settling...you can see the mix of green and blues...all of those different shades of blue. And even white from those small clouds. It's like a painting. It doesn't look real. But if I reach my hand out...if I touch it...it would change into something else."

Dean had been coming to this pond since he was a kid...but he'd never seen what Cas had just described. When he thought about trees and woods...he thought about the monsters that hid inside of them. He reached their intertwined hands against Cas's chest and whispered "thank you Cas..."

Cas didn't know why Dean was thanking him...but he leaned back against him and they just stood and watched the water.

Cas finally broke the silence, "if we don't get to town and back soon...Sam's going to send out a search party."

Dean took one last look at the pond...squeezed Cas against him...and led them over to put their shoes and socks back on.

They pulled into the parking lot of the glorified convenience store. Just as they were getting out of the car...there was Jody Mills. Dean didn't know what to do. 

"Dean!" she squealed and leaned in to give him a one armed hug...trying not to drop the bag of groceries that was precariously perched in her other arm. As she hugged him she whispered, "I talked to Bobby."

"Jody...you look great."

"Yeah...I'll bet you say that to all the girls" as she rolled her eyes at Dean. Jody was one tough lady...and Dean had a lot of respect for her.

"Oh...Jody...you remember..."

But she was already headed Cas's way. "Cas...it is so good to see you." And she threw one arm around Cas's neck while he awkwardly patted her back. She turned around and winked at Dean.

"Okay boys...I've got to get this stuff home before my ice cream melts. Stay out of trouble. I wouldn't want to have to throw you in the back of my car. Make sure you tell Sam and Bobby that I said hi." and she walked to her patrol car. Dean gave her a small wave as she pulled away.

"Alright Cas...we've got to stock up on the basics" and they headed down the first aisle. A little while later their basket was full and ready to slip out of Dean's hand. "Now the key to making a successful trip to the grocery store is the pie. Never forget the pie."

They drove home with muddy socks shoved into their work boots and bags of groceries in the backseat.

"Thank you Dean"

"For what?" Dean asked.

"Bringing me with you. It was nice to see somebody who recognized me."

"Oh...Jody? Yeah...she's the best. But don't ever get on her wrong side. She's tough as nails."

"And thank you for showing me your pond."

"No Cas...you deserve the thanks...not me. You showed me my pond..."

\--------------------

"Okay Cas...now we're going to talk about what to do with the groceries" Dean said as they walked in the house with their arms full. "The easiest way to do it is to sit down and eat some pie while Sam puts everything away." 

Sam started digging through the bags and turned to give Dean a dirty look...but he had to smile when he saw Dean holding three forks. 

"Now...we all know that it's polite to cut it into pieces and serve it on a plate. However...I am not polite so I just eat it straight out of the tin. Here's a fork for you...and here's one for Sammy. If he gets done fast enough...there might still be some left for him." Dean sat down and popped the lid off of the pie. He took a fork full and looked at Cas, "dig in."

"Y'all better not be making a mess in there..." They heard Bobby growl from the next room. "You may not have manners Dean Winchester...but you know damn well that you'd better clean up after yourself."

Dean just shook his head and kept eating.

\--------------------

"Hey Sam?"

"What Dean?" Sam replied without looking up from his book.

"You still geeking out with your laptop?"

"Nope. Why?"

"Do you have any movies on it?"

"Well...no busty asian beauty's if that's what you mean." Sam said...looking at Dean over the top of his book.

"Not those kind of movies...just movies. I'm sure you've pirated some shit."

Sam stood up and grabbed his computer, "I prefer to think of it as 'acquired'...not pirated. There's a few on there...why?"

"Because I'm bored and I don't feel like messing with the rabbit ears on Bobby's ancient console. So...whatcha got on there?"

Sam handed the computer to Dean "I don't know. Check my media files. But don't mess anything up."

"Give me some credit." Dean said as he took the computer from Sam. Cas just laughed from his spot on the end of the couch. Those two still fought like they were kids.

"Hey Cas...come here."

Cas slid down the couch closer to Dean, "What?" he asked. 

"Pick a movie. Sammy and I have already seen them all. So pick one."

"What if I pick a bad one?"

Sam just laughed. "They're all pretty bad. You're safe."

"Um...Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

"Okay...now that one is actually good. Did we get popcorn while we were at the store?" Dean asked.

"I don't know...go look." Cas told him while Sam was showing him how to use the computer. Sam had to laugh at Cas putting Dean in his place like that.

A few minutes later they were all sharing the couch...the laptop was resting on Cas's legs and the popcorn bowl was in Dean's lap. They spent the next two hours with Sam watching Dean who was watching Cas who was watching the movie. Sam had given up on trying to figure out what was going on. Cas seemed happy...Dean seemed happy. If it ain't broke...

Sam went to bed before the movie even ended...laying out strict instructions on how to shut down his computer. He didn't know why he bothered. Dean never listened. He'd just close it and put it back on the desk.

Dean closed the computer when the movie finally ended and put it on the desk like Sam asked him to. 

"Cas?"

"Yes Dean?"

"I don't want you to feel awkward about anything...and I know that the couch isn't exactly made for two...but do you want to hang out down here with me for awhile. Unless you're too..."

"Of course I will."

They sat on the couch for hours...Cas laying with his head in Dean's lap...Dean resting his hand on Cas's chest...and just talked. 

Cas finally looked up and locked his blue eyes with Dean's green ones. "Sometimes I feel like you guys are hiding something from me."

Dean didn't know what to say. He wasn't expecting that. Not yet. "It's not exactly like that Cas. There are just some things about me that I don't want you to know."

Cas sat up, "why wouldn't you want me to know things about you? You told me that I used to know everything. I want to know everything again."

"Give it time Cas. It's only been a few weeks. I can't throw my entire life story at you."Dean took a deep breath "I've done things that I'm not proud of."

"And you think that it will change my opinion of you?"

"Something like that. I'm getting pretty tired...ready to lay down." Dean turned off the lamp and laid on his side behind Cas. He felt Cas pull the blanket over them. He wrapped his arms around him and laid his cheek on the top of his head. 

Cas turned and looked up at Dean, "I don't think that you could change my opinion of you."

Dean just looked down at the outline of Cas's face. "Doesn't matter. We're here...right now. That's what matters."

Cas turned and laid back down. Dean slid his hand under Cas's shirt and put his it on his chest. He pulled Cas against him and pressed his cheek to his head again. If Cas came back...if he got his memory back...Dean would lose this. If Cas knew the truth about him...he would lose this. Dean knew that eventually things were going to change...and it brought him to tears. He wished they could just lay like this forever.

\--------------------

Dean laid awake all night...just holding Cas and listening to him breathe. When Cas rolled over...Dean just held Cas's head against his chest. He wanted to see the world through Cas's eyes. He wanted to see himself through Cas's eyes. 

\--------------------

Bobby found them the next morning. He didn't say a word. He understood. He knew what Dean needed...what Dean never had. He just wanted someone to love all of the things that he hated about himself. He wanted somebody to see all of the good that he couldn't when he looked in the mirror. Dean had always broken Bobby's heart. He'd always wanted more for the boy. And if he could find it with that angel...then Bobby had no problem with it. Bobby pulled Dean aside.

"Dean...I know that you were awake when I came downstairs this morning. I know you didn't fall asleep talking."

Dean's ears turned red and he couldn't look Bobby in the eye. "Bobby...I..."

"No Dean...I get it."

Dean's head jerked up and he looked at Bobby.

"That angel boy gives you something that you've never had" Bobby continued. "I can't say that I'm real comfortable with it..."

"Bobby...we're not...we haven't...it's not like that..."

"Dean...need to know basis...and I don't need to know. But you're going to stay here and get your head straight. He either gets his memory back or you tell him. The day will come and you gotta be ready for it. I'm not Sam. I'm not going to lecture you or draw up a plan. But you know that I love you boys and I just want what's best for you. Now come over here and give this  
old man a hug and we can forget about this chick flick moment."

"Thanks Bobby" Dean whispered as he gave him a hug.

After that...Bobby tracked Sam down. "Sam...I need to talk to you...and you are going to sit and listen. Now you may be smarter than anyone else in this house but that don't change the fact that it is my house. Cut Dean some slack. That boy has never had someone look at him the way that angel boy does. Now I didn't have enough years with my beautiful Karen...but I remember those years like they were yesterday. Sometimes when she would look at me...I could see the man that she saw...and there was no better feeling. Now...I know that you know what I mean. That's how your father felt when Mary looked at him. That's how you felt when Jess looked at you. None of us got much time...we all had it taken away too soon...but we had it. Dean never has. There's a strong possibility that this thing is going to go south for him. He may wake up one day alone...and we're going to have to pick up the pieces. But let him have this Sam. Step back and let him have it. I think we've all known for a long time that it was going to be Cas. So let it be."

"I know Bobby...you're right. I'm just afraid of what is going to happen."

"So am I boy...but all we can do is wait and see."

\--------------------

Sam and Bobby had given up on the Enochian book and moved on to an Egyptian papyrus. Dean never could figure out their fascination with that stuff. He walked outside and Cas followed him. 

"Is everything okay Dean?"

"Yeah Cas...everything is good." He pulled Cas to him and put an arm around him. Cas was looking up at the sky. "If there weren't so many clouds we'd be able to see the constellations." Dean said.

"But it's still beautiful."

Dean pulled Cas close to him. Cas thought everything was beautiful. One day he'd remember...or learn about all of the ugliness in Dean's life. Bobby was right. He had to get his head straight. He was no good as a hunter right now. He was too soft. Too open. And he wasn't about to give up this time with Cas. He knew the clock was ticking. He just wanted Cas for as long as he could have him. He wanted to see the things that Cas saw. Feel the things that Cas felt. He wanted to be the man that Cas thought he was. He wrapped his arms even tighter and kissed Cas on the top of his head. Cas untangled himself from Dean's arms and started to walk away. Dean was confused until Cas turned around and held out his hand. "C'mon...I want to see something." Dean grabbed his hand and followed him.

They walked around the piles of junk. Cas stopped waking and said, "here...right here..."

"Uh...I'm not following you Cas. What's here?"

"Well I know that there's no chance in hell that you'd let me lay on the hood of your 'baby' and look at the stars...but I figured I could lay on one of Bobby's old cars." He jumped on the hood of an old Lincoln Continental and leaned back against the windshield with his arms behind his head. "You're right...I can't really see the stars...but I don't want to go inside yet."

Dean crawled up and laid next to him. They just laid there quietly looking at the sky.

"Dean? Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can Cas..."

"Did you know that sometimes you talk in your sleep?"

Dean smiled, "That's your question? Easy enough. I've shared enough motel rooms with Sam that he's complained about me mumbling. Unless I'm drunk. Then I talk. He's threatened to record me."

"Okay...can I ask another question?"

"Nope...I have a 'one question per day' rule."

"Who's your angel?" 

"What?"

"The other night...you were talking about your angel."

"I don't know Cas...must have been weird dream or something." Dean panicked. What else had he said in his sleep?

"Yeah...it probably was."

He wished he could just tell Cas...tell him everything...but what was there to tell him? The drinking? The women? The blood he'd spilled? The death he'd left in his wake? He and Sam had always been told that they were saving people by hunting...but sometimes that line seemed a little blurry. 

"C'mon Cas. Let's go in."

"You go ahead Dean...I want to stay out here a little longer."

Dean was worried...did Cas know something? Was he pulling away? Dean felt needy. He got back to the house and saw that Sam and Bobby had already gone to bed. He took his boots off and laid on the couch...waiting for Cas. It must have been an hour before he finally turned off the light and pulled the blanket up. He was crying...and he hated himself for it. He must have cried himself to sleep because he felt Cas before he heard him. 

"Hey..." Cas said...crawling under the blanket.

"Hey yourself..." Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Cas...around his angel.

"I fell asleep outside..."

Dean laughed and kissed the top of his head, "of course you did".

With Cas next to him...Dean started drifting off. He felt Cas put his cold hands up his shirt...and his breath caught. He could feel Cas's body against him in a way he'd never felt it before. He put his hand on the side of Cas's face and traced his lips with his thumb. Cas started moving his hands up and down Dean's chest. Dean leaned down and gave Cas a soft kiss. He pulled back and could barely make out Cas's eyes in the dark. 

"Dean..." Cas whispered.

Dean leaned down and kissed him again...and Cas kissed him back. He parted his lips and let Dean's tongue explore his mouth. Dean could feel himself growing hard...but he knew that this wasn't right. Not now. Not until Cas knew. "Not like this..." he whispered.

"Dean...did I..."

"Cas...no. You're perfect. I don't deserve this from you. Not yet. I don't want it to happen like this."

"Like what? Dean?"

"Cas..." Dean whispered...running his thumb along Cas's cheek "you deserve better than this...a dusty old couch...and somebody like me..."

"No Dean...it's not about what I deserve...it's about what we want." he gently kissed Dean and then laid back down.

Dean wrapped his arms around him and hoped that Cas couldn't hear or feel the tears.

\--------------------

Cas didn't say anything about what had happened the night before. Dean was relieved. He didn't want a dramatic chick flick moment...he just wanted Cas to be happy. 

"You need to get out of here for a few days, boy" Bobby said...handing Dean a set of keys. You'll want to stop for provisions. I haven't been up there in a few years..."

Bobby's cabin.

"Thanks Bobby...you don't know how much this means..."

"Actually...I do." Bobby said with a smile. "Now go find that angel of yours and get the hell out of here."

Dean threw a bag of clothes in the backseat and went looking for Cas. 

Dean found him looking at the computer with Sam. "Cas...c'mon..." Dean said...tugging on Cas's sleeve. 

"Where are we going?"

Dean searched Cas's face, "do you trust me?"

"You know that I do..."

"Well then" Dean said...holding his hand out for Cas, "C'mon."

When they pulled up at the store and bought enough food to last for days...Cas was even more confused...but he trusted Dean. They drove for hours before they turned down a dirt road. It reminded Cas of the pond...and smiled to himself. It had to have been 30 minutes before they reached the clearing. Dean pulled up to an old cabin and cut the engine. "It's much more charming on the inside...trust me." Dean said as he fumbled with the keys. Cas walked up behind him just as he got the door open. 

It was old and dusty. A wood burning stove stood in the corner on paving stones to protect the hardwood of the floor. It was small. Nothing more than a couch, chair, and coffee table. The kitchen barely had enough room for two. There was a small bedroom and bathroom just off the living room. Dean assured Cas that they should have running water and power...but he went to make sure while Cas explored the small rooms. 

"Bobby said that the blankets are clean...just a little dusty. I figured that we could just take them outside and..."

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and planted a big kiss on him...it took Dean's breath away.

"...I figured we could take them outside and shake the dust out...what was that for..."

"Do I have to have a reason?"

"No" Dean said, looking into Cas's blue eyes. "No you don't..." He grabbed the back of Cas's head and pulled him in for a long deep kiss. He could feel Cas's hands slide up the back of his t-shirt and he trembled. Cas pulled Dean's body closer and softly moaned against his mouth. Dean pulled his mouth from Cas's and bent to kiss the soft flesh of his neck...he could feel fingers digging desperately into his back. Dean stopped kissing and just buried his face in Cas's neck breathing heavily. He wrapped one arm around Cas's shoulders and rested his hand on the back of Cas's head. He wrapped the other one around his waist and just held him close.

"Dean..."

"Not like this Cas. You deserve so much more..."

"But I want you...I used to know everything about you...I was the best friend you'd ever had. You spent three days next to my bed...just waiting for me to wake up. You brought me to your home. It's you Dean...I want you."

"I know you do Cas. I'm just not used to this."

"Dean...I don't know who did this to you...who made you this way...but they were wrong." Cas pulled his head back and just looked at Dean. "I don't deserve 'more'. I deserve this. You deserve this. You can't see what I see when I look at you...but I wish you could..."

Dean pulled Cas close to him again, "So do I Cas...so do I."

"You do realize that as much as I would love to keep standing here...we do have to get this place ready for habitation."

Cas let go and took a step back, "Yeah...I know. Do we have power and water?"

"Does brown water count?" Dean smiled.

"Ew...I guess we'll let it run for awhile."

"Okay", Dean said, "I'll bring the groceries in and put you in charge of nesting while I play manly man with the axe and grab some firewood."

"Oh...so I'm not manly?" Cas teased.

"As a matter of fact... Mr. Castiel...you are quite manly. Which should weird me out when I kiss you...but it doesn't. Huh. There's probably some weird Freudian reason. I'll figure it out while I'm chopping stuff up." 

Cas just rolled his eyes. But that's exactly what Dean did think about while he was outside. He'd always been interested in women. He'd never thought about sleeping with a man. It's not like that kind of thing bothered him...to each his own. He'd just lived a testosterone fueled life. It was part of his pattern. Hunt...eat...pick up women at bars. He'd been doing that since he'd had to use a fake ID to even get into bars. John Winchester had always been a man's man. He didn't like how soft Sam was...but that's just because Sam wasn't born a hunter. Sure...he was a Winchester...but he wasn't made that way. It wasn't until his girlfriend died the same way that their mother did...a house fire set by a demon...that Sam became the strong and ruthless hunter that their father always wanted him to be. Dean had never thought about a different life. Growing up...even thinking about it wasn't an option. Now he had options...now he had Cas...and being with Cas just felt right. Bobby and Sam knew it too. Had it always been that way and he'd just never realized it? He could hear Cas shaking out the blankets on the other side of the cabin. Time stopped...just for a moment. Dean had never felt so free in his life. Nobody was telling him what to do. Nobody was expecting anything from him. He wasn't pacing and waiting for a new case. He heard the snap of one of the blankets and it brought him back. He finished chopping and started carrying firewood into the cabin. 

\--------------------

"Well...I don't know that I would use the word 'charming'...but it's livable now" Cas said as he flopped down on the couch...releasing a whole new cloud of dust. Dean just laughed and laid with his head on Cas's lap.

"Why were you afraid of me?"

Cas was too busy running his fingers through Dean's hair and looking at how perfect he was. He wasn't listening to a word that Dean said. "What?"

"When we first got to Bobby's...you didn't talk to me for weeks. I mean...now you know that I'm actually the sweet one and that Sam's an asshole...but you seemed afraid of me..."

"It was your eyes. There was always something...It don't know...desperate inside of them. It was like you were a caged animal. I watched you...and I could see that you were an 'all or nothing' kind of guy. I was already scared. I didn't know which way was up. It wasn't until you laughed at me for saying 'Hello Dean' that I saw your eyes change. Up until then...I didn't think that you wanted me there. I figured that Sam must have talked you into it."

"Wait...so you fell for the patented Sam Winchester puppy dog eyes."

Cas had to laugh...Sam really could pull off puppy dog eyes when he wanted.

"Okay...but in all seriousness Cas...I'm sorry that I scared you. That caged animal thing...I get it. I can see it in my own eyes sometimes. I know that I'm strung tight and I have a short fuse...and that's not a good combination. Especially with Sam pushing my buttons."

"Why was Sam pushing your buttons?"

"I was the one who insisted that you come home with us. I made Sam call Bobby. But after we'd been home for a little while...Sam said that I had abandoned you. And I had. It was just so hard to watch."

Cas started trailing his fingers down the side of Dean's face. "What was hard to watch?"

"My Cas...not remembering that he was my Cas."

"What were we like before?"

"Not like this. I honestly think that 'this' has always been there. Even Bobby picked up on it...but we were friends. The best. You were always there to save my ass...and it needed saving more than once. I was selfish."

"Ya know...sometimes I don't want to remember."

Dean grabbed Cas's hand and kissed the palm. "Sometimes I don't want you to remember."

\--------------------

After dinner they sat wrapped in a blanket in front of the fire.

"This is seriously cheesy. Give us a bearskin rug and a couple of glasses of wine and it would be a really bad love scene from a movie."

Cas elbowed Dean in the side, "Shut up...you're ruining the moment."

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas. "Look at me" he whispered. Cas turned his head and Dean leaned in to kiss him.

"Dean..."

"Shut up Cas...you're ruining the moment." and he kissed him softly. Cas leaned back and just looked at him. Dean gave him a small nod and then pulled him close to kiss him again. Their tongues sought each other out and they explored ones another's mouths until they were out of breath. Dean pushed Cas down to the floor and kissed him again. Cas moaned against his mouth and Dean felt himself grow hard. Cas slid his hands along the skin at the bottom of Dean's back until he sat up and pulled his shirt off. Cas just looked at him...half naked...light from the low flames of the fire dancing on each ridge and line of his upper body. Those beautiful green eyes looked desperate again. Dean bent down and started kissing Cas's stomach...pushing his shirt up as he went. He pushed Cas's shirt completely off and dipped his head down for another kiss. "Have you done this before...with a man?" Cas whispered. "No" Dean breathed into his ear. "Have I?". Dean started kissing and biting his neck, "no...we'll figure it out as we go along." Cas rolled Dean on his back and straddled him...he reached down and started rubbing his cock through his pants. Dean groaned and closed his eyes. Cas undid his belt and top button so he could reach inside. He grabbed Dean's cock in his hand and squeezed gently. "Oh god...Cas..." Dean whispered. Cas started sliding his hand back and forth along the length. "My pants" Dean whispered, "take them off." Cas stripped Dean of his pants and boxers and just looked at him. He really was perfect. He slid his hands up Dean's thighs and grabbed his hips. He bent down and gently kissed a line from his hips up to his neck. "Your turn" Dean whispered as he reached down and undid Cas's belt. He pushed his pants down as far as he could and wrapped his hand around Cas's cock. The skin was smooth against his calloused hands. Cas freed himself from his pants and they laid on their sides facing each other...each rubbing their hand up and down the other's cock. Dean started panting...he didn't usually come this fast but he could feel it building. He started to throb in Cas's hand. He wanted them to finish together. He leaned in for a frenzied kiss and Cas moaned against his mouth, "oh god...Cas...I'm gonna..." Cas moaned again, "yeah...me too Dean..." A few more strokes and they exploded at the same time. Cas used his free arm to pull them closer together. He rocked his hips against Dean until neither one could take anymore. They rolled on their backs sweaty, sticky, and out of breath.

"I don't want to move." Cas whispered.

"Then don't...we're the only ones here."

"Look at me Dean?"

Dean rolled his head and they locked eyes. "You just took my virginity."

Dean laughed. "Shut up Cas...you're ruining the moment."

\--------------------

"Well...the water is water colored now" Cas said as he brought Dean a wet washcloth to clean off his stomach. 

"That's good news considering that I just got some on my dick."

Dean was still laying on the floor so Cas dropped down next to him. He laid his head on Dean's stomach and started rubbing and tracing the calluses on Dean's hands with his fingers. "Are these all from working on your car?"

"Probably. And everything else. I mean...I've always worked with my hands. I'm not smart like Sam."

"Dean...Sam is booksmart. That doesn't make him smarter than you. You really don't see yourself...do you?"

"What do you mean Cas?"

"That second night we talked...you knew that I was still lonely and scared...you invited me into your bed."

"I was lonely and scared too Cas..."

"But you saw that I was as well. You just held me. I can see how protective you are. Especially of Sam. You taught me how to skip rocks...and that took a lot of patience. You borrowed Sam's computer so that I could watch a movie. This may not sound like much to you...but it's everything. You keep telling me how selfish you are...were...whatever. I don't see it. You do the little things for people...the small things that don't always get noticed...but they add up. I spent two weeks just watching you...I saw how miserable you were...but I also saw how much respect you have for Bobby...how much Sam means to you...and now I know why you were miserable...you were looking at your Cas who wasn't your Cas. I think your biggest problem is that you feel too much...but nobody knows it."

"You do. You know it. You climbed on that couch for the same reason I asked you to. And I was miserable...I was missing my Cas...but he's here...and he's real...and I will never let anything happen to him."

"I know you won't"

They fell asleep on the floor sharing a blanket while the fire died down into ash.

\--------------------

Dean's back and shoulders regretted their decision to sleep on the floor as soon as the sun came through the window and woke him up. He sat up and tried to stretch. Cas was still sleeping...the blanket barely covering his body. Dean just watched him sleep. He never expected that he would find another man this sexy...but he did. 

"It's kinda creepy that you're watching me sleep Dean"

Dean laughed so hard that he thought he pulled a muscle. Cas looked at him like he was crazy.

"When you...uh...had insomnia...I would wake up and you would just be there. I always told you that it was creepy when you watched me sleep. Ouch...I seriously think I pulled a muscle."

"That's what you get for laughing at me." Cas smiled. 

"Cas...I really think I pulled something. Don't you have any compassion? "

"Nope" Cas said as he got up and put on a pair of boxers. He grabbed the first pair he saw...technically they were both Dean's anyway. "I'll bring your coffee to you after I make it...does that count as compassion?"

"Close enough" Dean grunted as he pulled himself up and looked for the other pair of boxers.

\--------------------

They spent the day walking and hiking through the woods. Dean would see a small cave and go into hunter mode...wondering what was in there...what might be in there...running a list of cave dwellers in his head when Cas would interrupt him with something like, "Look how thick the trees are...you can't even see the sun if you stand right here." and Dean would look up at the trees. He loved the way that Cas saw the woods. He saw the beauty. He saw colors and felt textures. He heard beautiful sounds. He would grab Dean's hand and drag him up a hill or through a dry creek bed...and then he'd push Dean against a tree and kiss him...hard. Dean spent the entire day reveling in Cas's wonderment...and fooling around outside. Dean would just stop and watch Cas as often as he could...he always wanted to remember him that way. He always wanted to remember these moments. He always wanted to remember how Cas made him feel. Nobody could take that away from him. This was his Cas. His Cas was perfect.

\-------------------

Cas wanted to sleep in the bed that night. They'd never actually shared a bed...just the couch or the floor. Dean laid a blanket over the top to keep the dust in and they crawled under the top blanket. Neither one was wearing clothes. Dean could not wait to get at Cas's body...and he knew that Cas was hungry for him too. They'd spent all day building up to this. When Dean rolled over on top of Cas...it felt right. He felt like that's where he belonged...where his body fit. Against Cas's. He held Cas's hands above his head and rained kisses all over his face. He kissed across Cas's jawline. He bit and kissed his neck. Cas writhed beneath him. Dean knew that Cas wanted to feel their lips together...tongues exploring and searching each other's mouths. Dean continued to kiss along Cas's shoulders and nip at his neck until he finally leaned down and gave Cas a gentle kiss...and pulled back. There was enough light from the moon through the window for him to see the shadow of need on his beautiful angel's face. Dean just looked...watched him before he let go of his wrists and pressed his body down to give him the kiss that he wanted. 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and held him close while they kissed passionately. He tangled his hand in Dean's hair and started to slowly rock his hips...their hard cocks sliding back and forth between their stomachs. Dean lifted his head and again started kissing Cas's neck. He left a kiss at the base of Cas's throat and slid down his body...swirling his tongue around one nipple and then the other. Cas just gasped and kept his hands tangled in Dean's hair. Dean slid lower and started kissing the sensitive skin along Cas's hips. He wrapped his hand around Cas and slowly started to slide it back and forth. "Dean..." Cas whispered. "Sshhhh...just let me do this for you.." He slowly licked the head of Cas's cock. He slid his tongue around it and gently sucked. He licked and sucked the head until Cas was squirming...and he pushed his head down...taking Cas's cock into his mouth and down his throat. He slowly moved his head up and down...looking up at Cas's face. Cas tightened his grip on Dean's hair and Dean sped up the pace. He felt Cas start to throb in his mouth. "Dean...I'm going to..." Dean gripped the base and pushed his head down as far as he could as he felt the hot sticky come slide down his throat. Cas let go of his hair and lay there panting. Dean crawled back up the bed and pulled Cas to him...kissing him gently before he wrapped his arms around him. Cas laid his head on Dean's chest and listened to his heart.

"Dean...that was...I never want this to end...and not just because of that. I can't imagine sleeping without you next to me."

"Me neither Cas" Dean knew that he should be worrying about telling Cas everything...but not now. Right now...with Cas satisfied and already drifting off in his arms...that was everything...

\--------------------

"Ugh...do we really have to go?" Cas asked...filling a thermos with coffee for the drive home.

"I know Cas...I don't want to leave either...but it's been 4 days. We're almost out of food and we both know that Sam will send a search party soon. I haven't had cell service since we got up here. I wonder how many messages he's left."

Cas just groaned while he tightened the lid and washed out the coffee pot. He thought that Dean had gone outside until he felt his arms slip around him. "Real life happens Cas" Dean whispered in his ear. "But I've never been happier than I have for the last 4 days. Thank you." Cas turned in his arms and put his hand on the back of Dean's neck. He pulled him until they were touching foreheads. "These are the only memories I need, Dean." They stood...just staring at one another. Even though Dean would never forgive his father...he was starting to understand why he did some of the things he did. He'd lost the thing most precious to him. Dean leaned in and kissed Cas...passionately. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and returned the kiss. When they finally caught their breaths Cas leaned back, "I thought we had to leave"."One more day won't hurt..." as he dragged Cas back to the dusty old bedroom.

They spent hours just touching and kissing. Everything before had such an urgency to it...they'd never taken the time to explore each other's bodies. Dean loved it when Cas would take control. Cas loved the look on Dean's face when he kissed his lower stomach and hips. But they both learned that their bodies could only take so much. 

"Dean?" Cas whispered against his ear.

"What Cas?"

"We either need to...uh...do something or stop. I can't take this anymore."

Dean rolled Cas over on to his back, "I'm not stopping...not yet." He positioned himself between Cas's legs and started rocking his hips...their hard cocks sliding side by side between them. He held his body up with his elbows and forearms so that his face was just inches from Cas's. He leaned in for a deep kiss while Cas ran his fingers down his back...stopping at the bottom to push their bodies closer.

"Dean...I want to do something..."

"Anything Cas...anything for you..." he mumbled from against Cas's neck where he was kissing and softly biting.

"Dean...I want you inside of me..."

Dean stopped moving...his entire body went still. "Cas...that...well there's a lot to it. I'll hurt you. I promised you that I'd never hurt you..."

"But I'm asking. I want to feel as close to you as I can..."

"Cas...I don't even...I've never done that...I wouldn't even know where to start..."

"Start with what feels good. Please Dean...I want this." 

Dean knew that he could just keep rocking his body against Cas and they'd both come soon...but this was what Cas wanted. 

"Cas...we don't have lube...we're not exactly prepared for this."

"Improvise...I trust you." Dean could see the heat and passion in Cas's eyes...Dean could see the trust and faith in Cas's eyes. He knew that he was going to hurt Cas. He didn't even know if Cas could take it...but he couldn't say no to his angel. He cupped Cas's face gently and ran his thumb against his cheek. He bent down for a kiss. "Anything for you..."

Dean knelt between Cas's legs and just rubbed his hands up and down Cas's sides. Improvise. He put Cas's legs over his shoulder and put two fingers in his mouth. He pressed one against Cas's hole and slid it inside. He started to pull it out when he saw Cas wince. "No Dean...keep going..." Dean pressed his finger all of the way in and found a spot that made Cas moan. He bent down and kissed Cas hard while he slid the second finger in. He could barely fit them both in there...Cas was so tight. He rubbed his hand up and down Cas's chest and stomach to calm him as he started moving his fingers...trying to widen the hole so that he could give Cas what he wanted. "Please Dean..." Cas panted..."I want to feel you..." They had no lube...so improvise. He spit in his hand and rubbed it on the head of his cock. He was so torn. He'd do anything for Cas...except hurt him. He pressed the head against Cas and took a deep breath. He slowly moved forward. Cas gasped. Dean didn't know if he could do this. Cas grabbed Dean's arms and locked eyes with him. He nodded his head and slid his hips towards Dean. Dean took as deep breath and slowly buried himself inside of his angel. He wanted to cry at the look of pain on Cas's face. He held Cas's hips still with one hand and rubbed his stomach and chest with the other...just hoping that Cas could relax enough to continue. Cas opened his eyes and smiled at Dean, "it's okay..."

Dean started sliding back and forth...it was so tight and he could see the pain on Cas's face. He didn't know if he could keep going. He was was trying to find a place...set a rhythm...move his body in a way that would make Cas more comfortable. Suddenly Cas threw his head back..."there Dean...right there..." Dean kept pumping...he was starting to feel that familiar ache...that throb that told him that he was going to come. Cas could feel it too. "Grab me Dean..." Dean started running his hand up and down Cas's cock...using the same rhythm as his thrusts. Cas was crying out his name but he could barely hear it through the blood rushing through his ears. He felt Cas come in his hand as he pushed one final time. He came like he never had before. It was so powerful that it almost hurt. He buried himself as far in Cas's body as he could before he limply fell forward and buried his face in Cas's neck. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean...his whole body still shaking. "Did I hurt you?" Dean mumbled. Cas put his hands on either side of Dean's face and lifted it until their foreheads were touching. "It doesn't matter." "It matters to me." Dean said thickly. "Dean...it's what I wanted...and I've never felt closer to you than I do right now..." They laid like that for hours.

\--------------------

"Do you think we still have time to make it back tonight?"

"No" Dean said...struggling with the mattress.

"What are you doing...do you need help?

"Yes on the help. I want to spend our last night here by the fire...but I'm not sleeping on the floor again.

They laid in each others arms next to the fire...not saying a word. They didn't need to...

\--------------------

Dean saw could see how sad Cas's face looked out of the corner of his eye. He didn't want to leave either...but real life beckoned. Dean knew that he was going to have to talk to Cas soon...and he was dreading it. He just didn't realize how soon.

Sam watched through the window as the Impala pulled up. Even though Bobby told him that cell service was spotty at best up at the cabin...he'd been trying to call Dean for two days. They had a problem. 

\--------------------

Dean walked to Cas as they were getting out of the car. He wrapped his arms around him and rested his cheek on the top of Cas's head. "We can do this now" he murmured. He pulled away, "I don't know why I didn't see it before. Bobby and Sam did. But I see it now. I see you now...and you're everything." They walked in the house, Dean carrying his bag in one hand...holding Cas's with the other. Sam met them at the door.

"Dude...we need to talk."

"Hey Sammy...our trip to the cabin was great...thanks for asking." 

"Seriously Dean..."

Cas picked Dean's bag up off the floor and started walking towards the laundry room. Dean pulled him in for a kiss and smacked his ass as he walked away.

"Well...that's going to take some time to get used to." Sam sighed. "But seriously. There's some shit going down..."

"Calm down Sam. Let's go into the living room. Sit down and take deep breaths. Okay...what's the problem?"

"Garth called while you were off finding yourself. He's having a demon problem in Northern Cali." Sam said.

"Wait...what? I thought we had some tentative peace agreement thingy going on with Crowley. Why would any of his bitches be out and about?"

"I don't know. Rogue group maybe. Nothing we can't handle...but now when hunters come across anything angelic or demonic they call the Winchesters. Sure it keeps us busy...but we are the only ones who know how to fight these fights. Garth is a good hunter. Maybe we should take him along...show him the ropes."

And that's when Cas showed up unnoticed. He didn't want to intrude so he moved around the corner. Obviously Sam had something important to say...but he couldn't help but hear the rest of the conversation...

"Seriously Sam? I just spent 5 days away from this shit...and you think that dragging him with us is a good idea? We'd be in way over our heads. He's dead weight...and there's no guarantee that he's even going to understand what in the fuck we're doing. I don't want to babysit..."

Dead weight? Babysit? What in the hell was Dean talking about? Cas had been on a high...but now his heart dropped. He walked outside and slammed the door behind him.

\--------------------

Dean heard the door slam shut. He knew that Bobby was already outside tinkering with something or other. Cas? Did Cas slam the door? And then it hit Dean...if Cas heard his conversation with Sam...then it was time to tell him...the truth.

Cas was walking down the drive when Dean caught up with him.

"Cas? Cas? Look at me...what's wrong?" Dean reached to grab Cas's arm but he recoiled...just like he'd done at the hospital. 

"Please" Dean begged, "talk to me..."

"About what?"

"How much did you hear? What do you want to know? It's time for me to tell you anyway..."

"I heard enough..." Cas's face was bright red. "Dead weight? Babysit?" He turned and kept walking.

"No...no...Cas...you've it all wrong. I wasn't talking about you. I would never take you on a hunt..."

"A what?" Cas asked quietly and stopped with his back to Dean.

"A hunt." Dean said miserably...he didn't know how he was going to get through this. "Sam and I aren't 'exterminators' ....we're hunters. Just like our father was...just like Bobby was before he retired. We kill things Cas. Vampires, werewolves, ghosts, demons, the monsters under your bed? They're real. All real. And there's more. There are monsters out there that people don't even know about. They killed my mother...they killed Sam's girlfriend...Bobby lost his wife because of them. I have blood on my hands...and a lot of it. I've left a trail of death behind me for as long as I can remember. Our father always told us that we were saving people...but sometimes I've asked myself if it's true. I've asked myself how many times I've crossed a blurred line. My life has been nothing but killing, drinking and women, I'm good at what I do. I have a ruthless reputation. I'm a stone cold killer. I always have been."

"None of this makes any sense..."

"I know it doesn't..." Dean cried. He knew that he was going to be left watching Cas's back as he walked away.

"So if it's true...if any of it is true...what am I? Your week long spring break fling? You can't stand here and tell me that you are a cold blooded killer...always have been...but suddenly found this sweet and gentle side. What was it Dean? Did you just want to get laid? Finally know what it feels like to fuck a man? One who was supposedly the best friend you ever had. One who ended up smacking his head so hard that couldn't remember anything? You told me that you'd never let anything hurt me. You fucking lied. So tell me this...how did we meet?"

"Cas..." Dean couldn't believe that Cas had it in him to be so hateful...but he knew that he deserved it.

"Dean...how did we meet?"

"You're not going to...you know what...fuck it...we met the day you saved me."

"Yeah...you've told me part. Now give me the unedited story. How did we meet?"

"I sold my soul to a crossroads demon in order to save Sam's life. I was given one year before my contract was up." Dean was crying so hard that he could barely speak "and one year later the hell hounds came. Time works differently down there. Every one month on earth is ten years in hell. I spent 40 years down there. Seeing...hearing...doing unspeakable things. Then out of nowhere I was brought back. Four earthly months after my contract was up...I was rescued...I was brought back here. Back to Sam and Bobby. By an angel. The angel Castiel. You're my angel Cas. You are who I talk about in my sleep. You've fallen...and you've lost your grace...but you're my angel."

"Ya know what Dean? This is bullshit! Total bullshit!" Cas yelled...tears running down his face. "You told me that you were a selfish bastard? Add pathetic to that list. I am not your angel. Just part of your game. Fuck you Dean! Fuck you!"

Dean fell to his knees sobbing. He didn't even bother to go after Cas. He knew he couldn't fix this. Cas either thought that he was lying...or that he'd used him....or both. Either way...Cas was gone.

Bobby found Dean on his knees in the gravel crying hysterically...and Cas was nowhere to be seen. 

Bobby helped Dean to his feet and threw an arm around him. They'd made it about halfway to the house when they heard the sirens.

\--------------------

"Sam!" Bobby yelled...struggling to help Dean.

Sam knew that something bad was going down when Dean left the house...but he left it alone. He didn't even look out the window. Cas and Dean needed to have the conversation and he needed to stay out of it.

"What Bobby?" he asked as he ran out of the house. He saw Bobby holding Dean and thought that he heard sirens in the distance.

"Cas took off. I'm guessing Dean finally told him everything. I don't know. He's too hysterical to talk to me. You need to go see what those sirens are all about. I'm thinking that Cas had made it to the highway before I came along." Bobby searched Dean's pockets until he found the keys to the Impala. "Here...take the car. I'll get Dean in the house...go find Cas."

Sam jumped in the car and took off down the drive. When he hit the highway he couldn't see anything. He figured that if Cas went anywhere it would be into town. Sam didn't see him anywhere. He couldn't hear the sirens anymore and there was no sign of an accident or anything. What had happened to Cas? 

Sam pulled into the store and jumped out of the car. He went in and asked the clerk if he'd seen Cas. Nope...Cas hadn't been there. Sam drove around town. He went back towards Bobby's and drove 20 miles in the other direction. He couldn't see Cas anywhere. He disappeared. Sam didn't know what they were going to tell Dean.

When he got back in the house he just shook his head at Bobby. He saw Dean sitting on the couch with his head in his hands...a glass of whiskey on the coffee table in front of him. He turned his head and looked up at Sam...tears were still streaming down his face and he could barely talk.

"I told him Sammy...I told him everything."

Sam sat down...he didn't know what to say or do.

"He said that I had used him. That I was pathetic. I am pathetic...but I never used him Sammy. Never. I need him." and he broke down. Sam just sat and let him cry. He felt helpless. 

"Did you find him?" Dean asked when he finally caught his breath.

"No Dean...I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere. He's gone."

Dean started rocking and crying. The pain was physical. Now he knew how Bobby felt when he lost Karen, how Sam felt when he lost Jess, and he was even starting to understand why their father did what he did after he lost their mom. Dean's head was swimming. He had never hurt this bad.

Bobby pulled Sam aside, "I gave him a sleeping pill. I know it's not a good combination with the whiskey...but we need to try and get him through this night. Tomorrow will be just as ugly. He's broken Sam. He's broken in a way we've never seen before. He needs that angel boy." Sam just nodded his head and went back to sit with his brother.

It took awhile for the sleeping pill to kick in...but Dean finally curled up and fell asleep on the couch. Sam stayed up all night...sitting in the chair waiting.

The sun finally came up and the pill and alcohol wore off. Dean reached for Cas...but he wasn't there. He realized that the nightmare was real. Cas had left. Cas wasn't coming back. He hated Dean. He was afraid of Dean. He was never going to see Cas again. Sam brought him a cup of coffee but he didn't move. He just laid on the couch and stared.

"Sammy?"

"What Dean?"

"I never deserved him anyway. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him what I was...what I am. He was disgusted. He was terrified."

"Dean...we can't help the way we were raised. We can't help the things we had to deal with when we were young. It's not our fault."

"But you got away Sammy. You lived a normal life. I kept going. Hell...I enjoyed it. I would look at the woods and wonder what was in there...what could I kill. When I was with Cas and he looked into the woods...he saw something beautiful. We couldn't have existed in this world together. Not for very long. I guess I was just hoping for more time. Now...all the memories that he does have are bad...ugly. He doesn't even have anything good to remember. I couldn't even give him that. He thinks that I used him. He thinks that all of my sweet talk was just bullshit. He'll never know..." and he broke down again.

Bobby called all of the hospitals...morgues...he even called Jody to find out of there had been an accident on the highway. He couldn't find anything. Cas was just gone. He took the bag that had Cas's suit and trenchcoat out of the bedroom that Cas had been sleeping in and hid it. He didn't want Dean finding it. He knew that him and Sam were going to have to get Dean through this...without letting him self destruct.

\--------------------

"Dean...we are not going on a hunt...you are not ready." 

"What am I supposed to do Sammy? Sit here? Drink?"

Cas had only been gone for a few days. Dean had spent the first two on the couch. Now he had that caged animal look in his eyes again. He wanted to go hunt. They both knew that it wasn't safe...but Dean didn't care.

"What about that demon thing in Northern Cali? I know that there's no way Garth took that one down."

"Dean...it was a false alarm. Garth got jumpy."

Dean just stared at Sam..."Garth got jumpy? So I lost Cas because Garth got jumpy?"

"Dean...you're were going to have to tell him anyway. I'm surprised he didn't ask sooner."

"You know why Sam? Because he wanted to believe in me. He wanted to believe me when I told him that nothing would ever hurt him. He didn't want to know. He wanted something that I couldn't give him..."

"Do you love him?"

Dean just stood staring at the floor. He'd never told anybody that he loved them. He could never bring himself to say those words. He looked up and met Sam's eyes, "Yeah Sammy...I do" he whispered and walked outside.

He spent the rest of the day laying on the hood of the Lincoln Continental. It wasn't cloudy and by the time that night fell...he could see the stars. He could see the constellations that he'd wanted to show Cas. He thought about going back up to the cabin...but he knew that he couldn't. He had to just accept things for what they were and go back to living his life the way it was. He had to do it without his best friend. He fell asleep on the hood of the car that night.

\--------------------

Sam was standing in the kitchen watching Dean work on his car. Cas had been gone for over a week now. Sam knew that working on his car was probably the best thing he could do. He wasn't insisting that they go hunt anymore. He wasn't getting drunk. He just threw a few beers in the cooler and worked on his baby. Sam heard Bobby walk up behind him.

"So...you talked to Jody?"

Bobby just sighed, "Yeah..."

"What do we tell him Bobby? Do we tell him anything?"

"I don't know Sam. It could go either way. He needs closure...we both know that. I just don't what to say to him."

Sam sighed and continued to watch Dean. He didn't know what to do. He finally turned around and went back to the desk. He couldn't concentrate on anything...but he couldn't spend all day watching Dean either. He wished that Jody had never called Bobby. He wished that they didn't know. And he hated keeping it from Dean.

\--------------------

Dean could tell that something was going on with Sam and Bobby...but he didn't want to know. He didn't have the energy. He figured that everybody got their chance at happiness in life. Maybe he did only get a week or two...but it was better than nothing. He just hated that he couldn't have given Cas the same. He still laid awake at night and waited for Cas to come to him...but Cas only came to him in his dreams. He could still feel Cas's skin under his calloused hands. He could still hear Cas's laugh. It haunted him...and he knew that it probably always would. He had accepted that he would never love anybody else. He would always love Cas. 

\--------------------

"Are you sure Jody?" Bobby said into the phone. "I don't know...it seems like Dean is finally starting to accept it. But if you think it's for the best...I can't stop you."

Sam just looked at Bobby as he hung up the phone. "So Jody thinks that he should know? Why? To just re-open the wound? I don't know Bobby. I can barely stand seeing him the way he is..."

"I know boy...but I can't stop her. She wants to talk to him. She thinks that he should know."

\--------------------

Dean was under his car when he saw Jody's patrol car pull up. He didn't really think much about it. Jody and Bobby were friends. He knew that she stopped by here from time to time to check up on him. He heard the car door shut and then the footsteps in the gravel. They weren't moving towards the house...they were moving towards him. He figured that she was here to offer some type of sympathy. He knew that Bobby had called her about the sirens. She knew what had happened. Dean didn't want to talk about it...but it was inevitable.

"Hey Jody...give me a minute..."

He started to slide out from under his car when he heard Bobby, "What in the hell Jody...this makes no sense."

What made no sense?

Something dropped on his stomach. He reached down and found a flat round rock. It couldn't...

He came out from under the car so fast that he smacked his head. He just sat in the gravel staring up. He was finally able to get his bearings and stand. "Cas...."

"I've been at Jody's. That was the siren you heard. She saw me walking down the highway and turned on her lights and sirens to get me to stop. She told me everything Dean. Not the same story that you told me. I know you are a hunter...I know what you've done. You just forgot to tell me about all of the other things. The lives you have saved. How many times you've risked your life. And she had to put me in my place and tell me that just because I was an angel...albeit a fallen one...it didn't make me perfect. I made a lot of mistakes too. I don't remember any of it...and I don't want to. My birthday is the day I woke up in that field...and whatever happened before that were the memories of an angel named Castiel...not a guy named Cas who does things like saves skipping rocks from ponds. The Dean that I know...the Dean that I remember handed me that rock...he smiled at me and I knew that I wanted to see that smile every day. I'm sorry Dean. I'm so sorry."

"Cas...I..."

"Dean...you don't have to say anything. I know where I went wrong. I want to fix this. Can we fix this?"

Dean just stared at Cas...he held the skipping stone in his hand so tightly that his knuckles were turning white...all he could see were blue...all of the different shades of blue looking at him, "Cas...you may have fallen...but you're still my angel. I love you." he whispered and pulled Cas into a kiss.

"Dean...you head is bleeding..."

"Shut up Cas...you're ruining the moment..."


End file.
